Nate and I have been married for almost 6 years. More than half of those have been using trying to have a baby. I won’t bore you with the timings, details, medical procedures, etc., but it’s been an emotionally exhausting journey. And it’s lead me to a journey of rediscovering myself.
As a woman, I have spent my entire married life planning around kids.
- I have had to get a job that had a good maternity leave policy and flexible hours
- We spent years getting out of debt so it would be the best for your family
- We bought a huge house in the suburbs and even had the babies rooms picked out
- We’ve had our kids names picked out for three years and one of my friends just took one of our names (not on purpose)
- I passed up opportunities in Chicago
- I spent 4-5 days a week at acupuncture, chiropractic, and naturopathic doctors
- I spent $30,000 on surgeries and fertility treatments that landed me with miscarriages (plus more expenses).
- Trying to have a baby was all-consuming.
After my miscarriage, I spent months avoiding kids
- I didn’t grocery shop during the day because that’s when all the stay-at-homes mom s would go.
- I couldn’t go to my bible study because there were multiple pregnancy women. A couple times I made it to the parking lot, had a panic attack, popped a Xanax, and went home and watch Food Network with a bowl of ice cream.
After 4 years, I’ve finally found out that motherhood could not define me. Maybe motherhood will be a part of who I am, but it is not all of me. It’s not all I have to give, and hopefully, it won’t be the defining moment in my life. Because along the way, I’ve lost who I actually am, what I love to do, and what my purpose in life is. Who I was made to be. I spent so much time thinking that thing would define my life, that I never dreamed how I could have an impact with it.
“The fulfillment of our promises cannot be our substance because we need to eat every day.” – Lisa Bevere
In order to move on and find those things again. I need to shift my focus from family to who God has created ME to be. What are my gifts and talents? What can I contribute to society?
So, at 31-years-old I’m finally rediscovering myself. It’s scary. According to society, I should have this all figured out by now. But I don’t. And it will probably take me some time. So I hope you’re willing to walk on this journey with me and learn a little something about yourself along the way.