“Where ever you go, there you are”
I am 45 minutes from downtown San Diego. I’m aboard the Amtrak train, seated on the second level mesmerized by the sunset. It’s my last stop on my month and a half west coast road trip. I started in Seattle and have been making my way down with rental cars and trains passing through some of the greatest cities America has to offer.
The trip was designed for much-needed rest. I wanted to reconnect with my closest friends and family along the way. I had set the stage for deep refreshment and I was hoping to keep most anxious thoughts at bay in the midst of my life completely changing. In certain transitions of my life, my mom used to tell me “wherever you go, there you are”. That statement always seemed so obvious. I would just roll my eyes forgetting to find revelation in the simplicity.
I can remember a specific day in February when I was hiking in a national park in central California watching the untouched rugged waves crash up against jagged cliffs. I didn’t know it could be this beautiful. The moment was a dream. It was going really well until I realized the expectations I had brought with me. I realized the pressure I had put on my relationship with God and the types of conversations I was hoping for. I realized as much as I loved to chill and rest, I am terribly uncomfortable in transition and the “figuring out what to do next”. I started to get into my head.
My day wasn’t ruined because it took some time to wind down but my inner critic started toying with me. “Here we are Tara, in one of the most beautiful places in the world with anxious thoughts…awesome!” It was a moment where all the things I wanted answers to were surfacing. Sound familiar? Frustrations started to creep up once again to steal my bliss. It was a moment I become a student of no judgment. It was a moment where I came face to face with Grace once again.
And I told myself it was ok that I felt this way.
I started to sing to transition the moment.
The truth is wherever you go, there you are.
The truth is its ok to be not ok in the midst of a seamlessly perfect moment.
The truth is pressure is real but Grace can move in and change everything. It can give you a break.
The truth is you can be completely present being uncomfortable and accepting my journey.
I am being faced with some bigger questions once again in my life and not finding the answers. For a while, I am ok with no answers but after a time I get fed up like a small kid in the back of the car saying…”ok fam, for real this time, are we there yet?”.
I am coming to discover being uncomfortable is not the enemy but a season that we get to lean into something greater than ourselves. Being uncomfortable is just that…uncomfortable. (Now I am starting to sound like my mom.) It is something we want to exit as soon as possible and want to fix our way out of but once again “wherever you go, there you are”. Is there anything you need to accept that would allow you to be right where you are?
We can’t run. The grass isn’t always greener (except in Ireland…literally). My road trip was epic but being in transition is chaotic and it just is what it is. And I get to embrace that, get real and not judge myself. I get to invite God in on the conversation and not rush out of the season. I am right where I need to be, and with a lot more perspective.