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Search Results for: vulnerability

Vulnerability Vs. Transparency

Vulnerability Vs. Transparency

Jun 11, 2018 //  by Taryn Mast //  Leave a Comment

Hello Beautiful Ladies! OK, so let’s jump straight in… if I’m going to write about vulnerability and transparency, no time like the present, right?   

So, I use to view vulnerability as a weakness. I couldn’t show you the depths of me because I had to keep it all together. I prided myself in being a constant, steady, non-emotional, strong woman. To me, vulnerability was weak, emotional, chaotic, and needy.  Transparency was strong, powerful, in control and deep. Transparency was just enough rawness that still allowed me to appear real, but put together. Oh wow, how I was fooled.   

I have since learned that vulnerability and transparency are both powerful in their own ways, but they are not to be confused with the same. I have learned that how I was using transparency was simply a form of control. The ironic part was, I was using transparency to cover up my insecurities. I was able to control the outcome (or so I thought) of what others thought of me, how they perceived me, and the strength I possessed. I built walls to protect myself from rejection, fear, and hurt.  (And in the spirit of vulnerability, I have to say, I never had some crazy life experience that set these into motion….it simply was life.)

Brene Brown said, “Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when you are terrified of what people might see or think.”  The funny thing is, I always thought of myself as a person who didn’t care what others thought. In reality, I was worried they might think I am not smart enough, skinny enough, fit enough,….simply not enough.  In order for them not to think that, I made sure I appeared strong in every area I could.

Fast forward to today.  I AM DONE! The weight of carrying that became unbearable, unmanageable and unrealistic….it was literally crushing me. I decided to just be me.  What a concept, RIGHT?!?!! Ok, but let’s be real, I didn’t just decide that one day and the next day life was all peaches and cream. It took some tools, experiences, breakdowns, cries, yells, laughs, coaches, mentors, friends, and Jesus.  It took time and it still is taking time, but the “meat” of the work is done. Now I get to walk it out.

I could go on for days about the process (and if you would like to chat to hear it, I would be more than happy to connect with you.  It truly is worth its weight in gold!), but the point of me sharing this is for anyone that feels exhausted in life. Do you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, are you not getting where you want to and working so hard?  This is for you. I say this…stand with hands open, trust you were made perfectly (not perfect as in you need to keep it all together), but perfectly, as in just the way this world needs you to show up.

I’ll leave you with another quote from the amazing Brene Brown. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness.” If your relationships, business, and physical being are not thriving and connecting, that might be a sign to allow some vulnerability to show up.  It might be telling you that you deserve to feel worthy and that worthiness is available for you!!! You got this beautiful, be strengthened in vulnerability. You are worth every ounce of it!

 

Category: Reflection

Authentic Community: Why you can’t live without it  (PART 1)

Authentic Community: Why you can’t live without it (PART 1)

Aug 16, 2018 //  by Tara Stephenson //  Leave a Comment

It was 2003 when the real meaning of community entered my life. I was off to university and couldn’t wait to be out of my parent’s house! I decided to live in these tiny rooms in a dorm surrounded by other young women from around the world. It was those four years that began to shape my understanding of community and the importance of finding like-minded people.  Ten years later, it’s not just a buzzword for a season, but essential to my personal dreams, growth, and quality of life. Some of this may be obvious, but I hope it reminds you how important YOU are in community.

 

Personal Dreams:

It may seem obvious that we need others around us, but I wonder how many of us realize that community is essential to our personal dreams. You as a person were made to commune. We were made to live among one another, encourage each other, tell stories of old, and create wild things.

Your life is much bigger than you and with that belief, as you realize you have something to share. If you think a dream starts with you and ends with you, it may be an escape from reality. Don’t get me wrong, I have wild dreams for rest that include a Mojito and a hammock on some remote tropical island, but our dreams are usually for people. Our dreams are in need of a network, someone to say ‘yes this is beautiful’ and someone to say ‘hey, how about trying this instead’. When we invite people to the table of our dreams, I believe they can grow better. And why not inspire others to live their dreams in the process?

 

Personal Growth:

An authentic community will want to see you grow. They aren’t satisfied with you believing lies about yourself. They thrive on vulnerability and learning how to handle conflict. They are there to hug you when you are down, pick up a tab when you are short on funds, and give you a sweater when you are cold. Real community sees when you just need a movie night or when it’s time to get out of your comfort zone and jump! On some occasions, we push each other out of our comfort nest to fly. This is all helping us grow and it’s those types of communities you can call on a minutes notice and know that they will have your back, no matter what. Even if you are not in proximity, you are able to have friends that will really tell you like it is. And obviously, there is no such thing as perfect community, but as one of my friends always reminds me; without a community learning to love one another better, you are left in isolation.

 

Quality of life:

Isolation and loneliness don’t produce life or fruit. You can even see in creation how everything is in relationship with one another (this could be another blog 🙂 We were made for relationship and friendship, with God and with man. We don’t have to wander far to see this to be true, yet we find so many people today that are finding it hard to “find community” (Part 2 will be about how to find it).

Simply put, in our hopes and efforts to find authentic community, it does start with us. How much are we wanting to grow, find people that truly know us, and improve our quality of life? Community brings joy and inspiration. It allows us to give of ourselves and receive from others. It brings joy and hope to the dark places. We can live without it but are we truly living? I find that my life is enriched and lovelier alongside those that love well.

 

I hope this blog reminds you of the why behind making or joining community. It can be easy for this to slide to the back-burner, but you are worth it. Who you are is beautiful near people. Your dreams are deepened. Your roots have the ability to grow and I hope you find that the quality of your life improves. You are a gift to community and I bless your search.

Category: Community

Sitting With Grief

Sitting With Grief

Jul 23, 2018 //  by Jen Perrine //  1 Comment

 

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two

Housed as they are in the same body.   -Mary Oliver

When I read this excerpt from a favorite poet, I was reminded of a time these two feelings were very much housed in my body. A time when grief and joy were so intertwined, there didn’t seem enough room for them to coexist. I felt both life and death pulsating in my heart and yet I needed to embrace both.

My husband and I always imagined having two children. It just seemed to make sense to us and all the dreams we held for our family. At first, we didn’t have any vision of boy or girl and truly didn’t sway one way or the other. However, as time went on, we felt as if God was telling us through many avenues that we would have a girl and then a little boy.

Well, 7 years passed and we now have three little girls whom we could not imagine our lives without. After our Bella came, we naturally assumed our little boy would follow. At the next ultrasound, “It’s a girl” was announced. And a few years later, another little girl filled our womb. After that last ultrasound, I felt the ground crumbling beneath me. It felt as if I had lost the compass of his voice and I was aimless. I had just witnessed the miracle of life inside of me yet felt death all around me. The life of a little girl was realized yet it felt as though I experienced the miscarriage of a promise. Where was our little boy? When did I lose the ability to hear his voice?

After those two ultrasounds were some of the hardest moments I have experienced. It was a type of complex grief I didn’t know how to navigate. I should hold joy yet I felt sadness. I should be grateful yet I felt disappointment. I even had to sit with a friend struggling with infertility and try to tell her my story without feeling overcome by shame. I had no words for my grief, and as it didn’t seem like an “acceptable grief” I also spoke few.

When held in the grips of grief, at times others offer little solace. Room is not afforded to make sense of our own loss. The process of embracing loss is often stunted by humble words of God’s control or His power to turn the bad for good. Words can contain truth yet hold little comfort in the moment. So often when we experience discomfort, we want to rush others’ process. But when we shortcut grief, we forfeit the depths of joy to follow its journey. Sitting with others through the grief is both a struggle and an honor. It is a struggle when the depths of grief seem so fragile.  I heavily rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me when listening to another’s story as a counselor and friend. It is an honor because the place of vulnerability at the heart of grief is sacred. It holds the promise of joy when all the person sees is fear and sadness.

So many tried to comfort me in that season, but when the depth of my fear was that I had lost His voice, I knew it was His voice I needed to hear to pull me out. I harbored lies that He no longer trusted me and manipulated me into having three children with the empty promise of a son. That fear and pain needed to be uprooted but with tenderness. In the midst of my pain, God asked me: “Jen, when do you take freedom away from your children?” I responded, “When the cost is too high.” His tender words: “Jen, Wren River (our third daughter) not in this world was too high a cost.” At that moment, acceptance washed over me. Fear dissipated. The lies slinked away with the darkness that had seemed to loom over me. I chose to walk the path of grief, and I stumbled upon stones of joy. Joy came as I gave way to grief’s journey.

The moments of grief still come over the words I thought I heard. I still wonder if the miscarriage I had was our little boy. I question the feeling that our quiver is full but the promise remains empty. But the lasting peace of His words is still so real. He spoke when my heart was postured to listen. He sat with me in the pain until I was ready. He waited to speak truth until I could be comforted by it. Beauty cannot rise from ashes if  blown away with empty breath.

Learn to sit with people in their pain. Be slow to speak and eager to listen. Allow the pain to wash over them in the safety of embrace. Make space for the freedom to put words to the loss, a space to question without the fear of appearing wayward. Hold the hope of better days and trust joy will come, but don’t allow that to stunt their time of grief. Be still and wait until He speaks. Only He knows the truth that holds their comfort.  Only He knows the path ahead.

 

 

 

 

Category: Grief, Pain, Reflection

Freedom from Anxiety

Freedom from Anxiety

Jul 12, 2018 //  by Becky McConnell //  Leave a Comment

Our minds have the ability to dream, create and imagine. They can take us to some really beautiful places, but in the same way, they can take us to some dark places as well.  The first leaves us feeling hopeful, ushers in peace and allows us to feel happiness. The latter, on the other hand, quickly leads us in places of hopelessness, restlessness, and worry. There is so much bliss that can be birthed from this place, but equally it can abandon us to depths in which no one was never meant to be trapped in.

Unfortunately, we have all spent moments, perhaps even seasons in both…I know I have. Over the past years, I have been really trying to be mindful of my mind. You see, a few years ago, I spent a season trapped in anxiety. To be honest, I never intended to share about this on the worldwide web.  In fact, I remember the preliminary discussions about being a part of sharing our lives with all of you on the internet, thinking ‘wow! What an opportunity! I’ll be open with everything, except for this topic.’ Well here I am, and actually, this wasn’t even on my radar to write about for this post, but it brought me here, so (deep breath), here we go!

Life is easy to share when it’s glam and pretty, but we need to learn to live in vulnerability. Seasons like this can sneak in without us even realizing how.  Mine slowly and suddenly crept in. It left me panicky and swirling in every single (scary) what if. I would hear stories about tragedies and then fear that it would happen to me or a loved one. Rather than my empathy being a gift of strength and connection, it was demolished by fear. Furthermore, in the process of it, I felt so much shame being there. Shame has no friends and therefore it left me wanting to hide and isolate myself all the more. Fortunately, my husband wouldn’t let me stay there. He legit had to coach me out of it which took months. The panic that went on in my mind eventually affected my physical health which landed me in the ER one night with heart palpitations. After battling with this thing for 7 months, I was set free in an instant by a prayer of freedom and healing…PRAISE GOD!

I understand that it is not everyone’s story, although I do believe that freedom is God’s heart for us. Moreover, just because I have been (miraculously) set free from it, it’s still my intentional choice to stay in that place…which leads me back to being mindful of my mind.  For some reason, especially as women, it’s a twisted tendency to find comfort in worrying. Sometimes it’s easy to keep something in the back of our minds to worry about. It’s almost as though we’re meditating on it. The reality is, it’s not our friend. It does not bring comfort and we are not designed like that.

Releasing the shame I felt was a huge breakthrough for me. It led me to share and open up about where I was and allowed light to shine on my dark places.

I only opened up to 3 dear friends about it. One told me to call her anytime I felt overwhelmed by it all. I’d cry to her every time before even getting a word out. She would kindly yet firmly speak truth to me reminding me who I am. I am not the anxiety or fear that I felt.

Next, my husband would tell me the same truths over and over and over again. It was as though each time he was helping me rewire my mind. Almost daily he’d say “If it’s not from God, it doesn’t belong there. When you feel those thoughts come in, take them captive in Christ Jesus. Say NO to them.” It sounded so elementary to me that it frustrated me that I wasn’t good at choosing it. Instead, I’d let the thoughts travel down rabbit trails in my brain and consume me, but each time I said and now, still say NO, sometimes even audibly, it leads/keeps me in freedom.

When opening up to another friend, she shared her season of anxiety with me…I cried thinking none of my friends would ever understand. She did. And she shared, “If my story can be an encouragement to even just one person then having walked through it all was so worth it.” I was that one person. That echoed word often echoes in my mind. There are people who need to hear your story. In doing so it’ll help them become free and you even freer.

Through it all I’ve learned to say ‘no’ when I feel anxiety or fear come in. If my thoughts and imagination try to take me to dark places or swirl around me like an annoying fly with their what-ifs I tell them “NO, you are not my friend.” It may sound ridiculous, but it’s true and totally works for me.  If I still need reinforcements I’ll speak my verse of truth over myself… Psalm 121:5-8

 

The LORD himself watches over you!

The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.

The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night.

The LORD keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever.

 

How can you be more mindful of your mind? Is your mind in a place of being renewed? Evaluate how you’re feeling: do you feel hopeful and at peace or are you restless and in a place of worry?  Examine what you let in that influences your thoughts- TV, music, movies, books, social media, etc. Do you need to make any adjustments here? Choose to partner with the Lord. Let him be the gatekeeper as you become more mindful of your mind. Wherever you are on your journey, know you’re not alone. Know there is freedom to be found in vulnerability. Yes, it seems scary, but find someone who you can trust. Your vulnerability will shine a bright light on the darkness and it will have to go. Finally, your journey of being set free is the key to someone else’s freedom.

Category: Reflection

the discipline of self-care

the discipline of self-care

Apr 5, 2018 //  by Jen Perrine //  2 Comments

What stirs at the mention of “self-care”? What pictures come to mind? The concept of self-care is presently all over social media, specifically targeted toward women. Go to a women’s retreat, and it will likely be in the headline of a breakout session. Listen in on a group of moms and you may find them lamenting over the absence of self-care or the determination to “do better”. It is a buzz word in the women’s community at large, but why? And to what purpose?

The dictionary describes self-care as “the regular practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being”.

Let’s break down this definition a little bit. The “regular practice” of self-care implies this isn’t a haphazard thing to be pursued at leisure and when time readily permits. Rather, it suggests self-care is a discipline. This practice needs to be woven into the very fabric of our everyday lives. It requires us to take an “active role” in refilling ourselves that we might pour into the things bringing meaning and purpose to our lives. When self-care invokes emotions of frustration and begins an inward dialogue telling me it is out of reach, I realize I have set other things as a higher priority rather than operate from a spirit of intention and discipline.

I love the inclusion of the word “protecting” in the definition of self-care. It reminds me first that self-care has an inherit value and therefore my well-being is worth the fight. Part of protecting self-care is enforcing boundaries. It feels as if there is a voice whispering to women that we have to do it all, all the time, and with perfection. Do you hear it? Giving into that voice seems easier than the vulnerability and effort of a “no”, but continually saying “yes” comes at a great price. Each time we push out an insincere yes, we lose a piece of ourselves in the process.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others…Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!” Brené Brown

Protecting our well-being also takes a tribe. When an elephant is about to begin labor, her tribe of female elephants will gather around her to protect her from predators as she brings new life into the world. What a beautiful picture of the need we have as women to be protected by each other in our most vulnerable moments. I am so thankful to be tethered to a community of women who challenge me to dig deeper and push forward in becoming the type of woman I want my daughters to follow.

I believe self-care is a common topic in women’s circles because the superficial pursuit of self-care has given women who are thirsty for purpose a hollow “treat” to tie them over. The world often pushes us into the shallow end of self-care. But we were not made for the shallow but for the deep where life is found. If someone wanted to tear down your purpose, wouldn’t distraction be the perfect ploy? Not too obvious but subtle and deceptively nonchalant.

So often the pursuit of self-care brings me to a crossroads: to check out or to press in. I am strongly tempted by the quick fix in this busy, tiring season of young motherhood. The Netflix binge. The wine and chocolate. Buying the new mudcloth pillow I don’t need. There is nothing wrong with these avenues of self-care at times. However, self-care is not just wine and a bubble bath. It is mustering the discipline to press right into the hard. To do the very things which compel us to confront our gravest fears and our greatest limitations. It is digging into the darkest, hardest part of our heart to break free. If you want to see an example of pressing in to gain freedom, look no further than Taryn’s post last month. It is protecting our own well-being to gain the energy and the life we so long to bring to those around us.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” -Brené Brown

I know this seems intense. I know what it is to need a break and a deep breath. There are days when I need to relax and have absolutely no expectations of myself. Times where a latte and shopping trip are in order. When I speak of checking out, I refer more to those aimless, unintentional bouts of life that come and seem to steal pieces of who we are. We set no intention to life, no pursuit of goals and growth and begin drifting into the shallow.

I feel like I am currently pulling myself, my heart, out of a shallow season. Midnight feedings, cold cups of coffee, and keeping my head above water with all of the transition and adjustment that comes from having 3 babies in 5 years made it hard to have the energy to grow. And it’s OK! We all have those seasons in our lives. But if we stay too long, if we put our own growth and well-being on the back burner for too long, we begin to lose sight of ourselves. In this season, I have been drifting. But with His strength, I am slowly, intentionally wading back into the deep one discipline at a time.

For the beauty of walking with God is we only need muster the strength and discipline to invite Him to walk into the hard moments with us. I am learning my own strength only brings weariness and drives me back to the shallow. But pressing into His strength leads to breakthrough. God will meet us there and show us that depth is where life happens. Then we will drink deeply and walk away satisfied.

Category: Reflection

The Strength That Lives in Weakness

The Strength That Lives in Weakness

Mar 15, 2018 //  by Ashley Perry //  3 Comments

Steffany Gretzinger, a Bethel Music artist, is releasing a new album at the end of the month. I have loved Steffany’s music since I first discovered her several years ago, so much so, that my husband and I used her song, “No Fear in Love” during our first dance at our wedding, and another one of her songs during the ceremony.  Her songs have helped me work through a lot of pain, heartache, and questioning.  Needless to say, I am pretty excited for her new album to come out.

Last weekend for my birthday, I attended a worship concert where Steffany premiered two songs off her album.  One song, called Save Me, had an exceptional impact on me.  (I encourage you to check out the song when you have a free moment).  I left the concert that night wondering why Steffany and I weren’t already best friends, because she obviously knew so much about my life and felt comfortable sharing it with the world.

During the drive home, the lyrics to her song ran through my mind:

 

[I tried to be the hero for a day
But all my superpowers failed to save]

 

Two years ago I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). ADD can be a confusing, frustrating and inconsistent neurological condition to live with each day.  I always sensed that I had it, but never knew how greatly it impacted my life. Growing up, I tried very hard to compensate and even cover up my shortcomings. I struggled with a lot of the common symptoms: racing thoughts, disorganization, difficulty focusing, impulsivity, mood swings, you name it. Majority of the time I felt I was inadequate. I tried to live up to a standard I saw everyone else reaching…seemingly with much less effort than it took me, which became a constant source of my shame. My self- worth was wrapped up in how well I could or could not accomplish something. I wore the brief moments of self-sufficiency like a badge of honor. “See, look at me! I do have worth. I’m not just a failure.”

 

[So I turned in my ego and my cape
I was made to fly but not this way]

 

 Throughout my life, I tried to so hard to measure up, to be the hero in my story. But more times than not, my attempt at superpowers failed miserably, only exasperating my lack of self-worth.

My ego would not allow me to turn in my cape. It was my symbol of protection from all the lies that told me I was anything but strong and capable. Thankfully, my relationship with God has always brought me back to the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So, I really was made to fly, but not this way.

Now, I do not believe there is anything wrong with wanting to be a strong, capable woman. We all possess those desires and abilities. But even Wonder Woman had help every now and then! We were created for so much more than being our own hero. We were created for relationship.

  

[My weakness is my honor not my shame]

 

Because I yearned to prove my worth, needing help from anyone, even God, was a constant reminder that I was not “good enough.” In my mind, the need for relational support equated to shameful weakness. But as Steffany so eloquently put it, weakness is my honor, not my shame. My capability (or lack thereof) does not equate my worth.

Pondering her lyrics, I realize there is a quiet strength that lives in weakness. In the humble ability to honor others with our vulnerability. As if to say, “I honor you because I value your presence in my life enough to be real with you. That I am struggling. That I don’t have it all together. That I wear a mask of competency on a daily basis. So come on in. Because I can’t do this alone.”

This is definitely easier said than done. I can testify. As I continue to heal from the shame and lies I have carried, I begin to see the beauty and purpose in vulnerability. I encourage you to be the hero in your own life when you can, for it is always so empowering to stand strong in who you are! But when the time comes that you need an outside your comfort zone type help (and you will), ask for it. Be brave enough to know your worth amidst your weakness.

There is an African Proverb that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” My prayer is to go as far as I am supposed to in this life. And I pray the same for you.

Category: Pain, Reflection, Shame

The Quiet of a Winter Soul

The Quiet of a Winter Soul

Mar 12, 2018 //  by Jen Perrine //  2 Comments

Winter is a time of stripping down to our barest selves; a time to choose to see the beauty in what seems barren. The cold invites the opportunity to embrace the early dark with candlelight and a timely book. The new year renews a passion for self-growth when outside life lies dormant. Winter exposes. It invites us to breath deep and quiets our soul that we might explore the raw, tender places of our truest self. It is a season of vulnerability.

 

As a mother of three young girls, quiet is difficult to find, time alone elusive. Yet when the desperately desired still would come, I found myself filling it with static. A Netflix binge, countless minutes perusing Instagram, busying my hands folding the unending pile of laundry. Whatever the task, I was hiding. I began to sift through the layers of excuses. I deserve the break. Can’t I just check out after hours of engagement? This needs to get done now. No energy remains to read or do something that feeds my soul. Strip away the layers, and I discovered I was lonely. I was empty. The static offered distraction but little solace. Truth be told, I had forgotten how to be alone. I had forgotten how to be still. Rather than fill my soul, I filled the silence.

Instead of planting our solitude with our own dream blossoms, we choke the space with continuous music, chatter, and companionship to which we do not even listen. It is simply there to fill the vacuum. When the noise stops, there is no inner music to take its place. We must re-learn to be alone.     -Gift From the Sea

 

Stepping away from social media, taking the TV out of the bedroom, making spaces of beauty to simply reflect and practice stillness: all of these were first steps in regaining the quiet my soul so desperately craved. I had to convince myself that an hour of solitude was a reasonable ambition in order to actual seek and obtain it. As mothers, as women, we get lost amidst the chaos, the busyness, the noise of our every day lives. Yet I am finding with each static-filled day, my soul withers. The withered soul of a woman leaves a story of beauty untold. Beauty the current world is longing to experience; a source of comfort and life in a time of winter.

We named our middle daughter Willow Eve, proclaiming she will be a tree of life that will not yield to the elements, declaring she will bend yet not break. A willow tree can be a rich source of life and wonder but only if they remain planted beside a source of water. Static dehydrates. We cannot weather the chaos of the day and become a source of life to those around us without quieting our souls and planting our roots in a spring of life greater than ourselves.

We are aware of our hungers and needs, but still ignorant of what will satisfy them. With our garnered free time, we are more apt to drain our creative springs than to refill them…not knowing how to feed the spirit, we try to muffle its demands in distractions.     -Gift from the Sea

What are your distractions? How is your soul withering? Where are the raw, tender places you need to explore and heal? How can you return to a quiet soul and access an inner spring that satisfies?

I am learning to quiet my soul, to invite the clarity winter brings. I ask questions to safeguard the inner spring from the invasion of dehydrating static. Does the noise I am inviting enhance the present moment? Am I exchanging the generation of a thought, an idea, a thing of beauty for a mere distraction? Am I depriving those around me from the life I could offer if I only I would silence the noise?

My voice matters. Your voice matters, women. Whatever lies or static is convincing you otherwise, strip it away. Let winter prune the places stifling your beauty. Gain clarity and then move into spring. The world is longing for your beauty. It is desperate for your voice.

 

 

 

Category: Reflection

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