We Shall Find the Stars

Encouragement for Women Everywhere

Self-Awareness: The Most Important Requirement of Self-Love

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I Am. 

“Two of the most powerful words; for what you put after them shapes your reality.” 

When I was a child, I remember being intrigued by the story of Moses in the bible. His life was filled with adventure, scandal, and some pretty cool encounters with God. When God told Moses He would send him out to save His People, Moses asked, “well, who shall I say sent me”? And God replies, “I AM WHO I AM”.  The fact that God described Himself in all caps, definitely stuck out to me, but even more so, I was so impressed that He did not need to add anything after I AM. He was whole and complete just as is. Even now, I marvel at the majesty of who God is; He is all-encompassing, and there is no need to add or subtract from Him.

From a young age, we are taught how to effectively introduce ourselves to others. “Hi, I am Ashley”. We then fill in the blank with different cue words to describe ourselves. I am this or I am that. It is how we let others know who we are and what we are about.

Lately, I’ve done a lot of thinking about the importance of who I am inviting to the table, as it relates to my thoughts. What positive and/or negative thoughts do I allow to sit at the table with me as I go about my day? What are you allowing into your daily thoughts?

Have you ever done something, and then thought, “why am I so dumb”? Or if someone gives you a compliment, does your mind negate their comment, with “no, I am not pretty, or I am not intelligent or I am not strong”? Fill in the blank with whatever words you would use to describe yourself. How often are they positive and uplifting statements?

Several years ago, my mentor recommended that I create a personal proclamation. In this proclamation, she encouraged me to write down positive statements that were specifically true about me. This included positive statements I was struggling to believe about myself, and most importantly, the truth that God said about me. My list covered a range of descriptions, from body image, to skill sets to being “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God.

Now, I will be honest; it took a long time of diligently speaking the statements over myself every morning to materializing into my belief system. I had quite a bit of negative thinking and lies to combat. But when the truth finally settled in, that is when my viewpoint on myself, others, and God changed. The truth really will set you free….if you let it.

I am

Nowadays, whatever I put after an “I am” statement, I make every effort for it be a positive truth. Because words have power and they have a great impact on our mindset and viewpoints. So be kind to yourself. But also be real.

I am a big supporter of self-love. Creating a personal proclamation to daily speak over myself has lifted my self-image and self-worth by leaps and bounds. I highly recommend it to anyone.

But while self-love is very important, so is self-evaluation. Telling ourselves how good we are and all the good things about us, but never addressing the areas that could use some attention, does a disservice not only to us but others as well. Yes, love yourself and love yourself deeply. Speak the beautiful truth of who you are over yourself daily. But don’t skim over the parts that aren’t so pretty. Because there are and will be parts of you that are not pretty. And while those parts should never be shamed, they also should not be ignored.

Self-love requires self-awareness. Without it, the process of self-love is useless.  I encourage you to create your own personal proclamation to daily remind yourself of the beauty of who you are and all that you have to offer this world. But also, love yourself enough to be your very best. Which means looking at the areas that can be improved upon. Owning the truth of the goodness of who you are while being real about the areas that still require attention.

We are all on a journey towards our best, most true selves. Kindness, grace, and a healthy dose of constructive criticism can go a long way to get us there.

And when all else fails, remember, we are all God’s creation. Made in His Image. Let I AM shape your reality.

 

Kindness is the Revolution

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Feel good. Look good. Do good.

Several weeks ago, I ran past this catchy slogan on the Happy Givers website, an online clothing store where you can “change the world one purchase at a time”.

As I scrolled through their website, I came upon the “Kindness is the Revolution” Collection. Those four words grabbed my attention and I knew I wanted to support their work.

After making my purchase, I thought more about this concept. Can kindness really be the revolution? And how closely is it related to their website’s slogan?

Feel good. – Have you ever heard the phrase, “Hurt people… hurt people”? Often times, what comes out of us is reflective of what is going on inside of us. If you encounter a person who is rude, unkind or mean, more than likely, they are feeling/thinking some unkind, mean, rude things about themselves. I’ve grown a lot in how I handle when someone is unkind to me or mistreats me. I realize it says a lot more about them than it does me. For “out of the mouth so the heart speaks”.

Look good. – We all want to look good and present ourselves in the best light. Be it in what we wear, how we accessorize, apply makeup, or experiment with different hairstyles. But what we put on our bodies is not the only thing we wear. We also wear our emotions. We can wear our thoughts and judgments through the expressions on our face and acceptance (or lack thereof) in our eyes. I’ve always been told that I cannot hide how I feel. If you and I are in a good place, then you definitely know it, and if we’re not, well, you know that too.

Do Good. – I am a big supporter of personal health and wholeness. I believe in practicing mindfulness, going to therapy, journaling; just about anything that allows you to process your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way.

There’s a reason why airline stewards tell you in a time of emergency, to first put your facemask on and then help others. We are best equipped to help others, when we first do the work within.

How kind are your thoughts about yourself?  This can affect how kind your thoughts are about others. And how much in your daily life would you say that you feel good, look good, and do good? Are there any areas that can be improved upon?

Lately, my heart has been hurting from the unkindness I see on the news and in social media. It doesn’t seem like we listen to each other, or at least not in an effective way. It seems there are very few people who are open to real discussions. In Proverbs, it says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his (her) opinion.”  I don’t know about you, but my momma didn’t raise no fool! 😉

Passionate discourse is a beautiful thing. Kindness is even more beautiful. 

While I may have strong viewpoints on certain issues, I also have love. I know the truth can only be shared and planted in love.  We all can passionately disagree on hotly debated topics, but we cannot expect real change to happen in the hearts of others (or ourselves) if we do not first operate in love.

When in a discussion, ask yourself, do I expect other people to listen to me but not offer the same courtesy?  Can I really say I respond out of love to them? Or am I responding out of hurt, anger, frustration, judgment, etc? All of these feelings are valid when discussing important issues, but are they helpful?

What is your end goal? To argue with someone? Or do you desire for something good, some real change to transpire? If that is your goal, then it can only happen rooted in love. And Kindness is an extension of love.

The bible has one of the best one-liners when engaging in a healthy debate:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. -Prov. 31:26

So yes, kindness is the revolution! And I believe the foundation lies in how we think and feel about ourselves. And from there it is how we look, how we present ourselves to others. Am I wearing a smile today or a frown? Then, through all of this, we are able to do good. To be kind to one another. To treat others as we would want to be treated. And to extend the same grace that has been freely bestowed upon us.

Who’s ready to start a revolution? 🙂

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. ~Aesop

The Beauty Found in the Ordinary Of Life

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Three years ago, on an absolutely gorgeous day in August, I got married on top of a mountain. Family and friends came from all over to witness and celebrate the union between my husband and I. It was a perfect day filled with tears, laughter, joy, scenic views and God’s palpable presence permeating the atmosphere. I could not have asked for a better first day of marriage. It still brings a smile to my face thinking about that day.

As I prepared for our special day, it never occurred to me how symbolic getting married on top of a mountain would be.  If you are like me, I am an adventure seeker. I love visiting new places, discovering new things, and simply experiencing all that life has to offer. You could say I am not satisfied with the status quo.

Which is why literally (and figuratively) I did not want to come down off the mountain after our wedding. I wanted to stay in the mountaintop experience that had been filled with so much wonderful goodness. Who wouldn’t?

My husband gently reminded me on the morning of checkout, that if I really thought about it, I actually did want to go down the mountain into the real world and start our lives as husband and wife. Plus, wasn’t I excited about our honeymoon?

 

Thinking back, even as a child, I vowed to always strive to live extraordinarily. Living an ordinary life was not what I desired(whatever that meant). I just wanted more. I wanted to be special.

We all can display this to some degree; desiring to live on the mountaintops of life as long as we can. It has become so commonplace, that nowadays I wonder how much of our social media posts accurately reflects a day in one’s life? Why do we feel the need to make our lives seem more exciting than they really are?

Ask yourself this question the next time you take 15 selfies before choosing the perfect photo to post. And maybe you’re not one who has time to post selfies, but how often do you feel your life is less than special in comparison to others when scrolling through Instagram? Can you think of how many times you may have embellished moments in your own life on social media, in conversation, or even to yourself?

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to present our best, most creative selves to others, I fully endorse it, but when it begins to corrode the organic moments of life, is that really our best, true self?

In the devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, it states, “we all have those times when there are no flashes of light and no apparent thrill to life, where we experience nothing but the daily routine with its common everyday tasks. The routine of life is actually God’s way of saving us between our times of great inspiration which come from Him.”

A well-balanced life would not have been to stay on the mountaintop after I got married. Mountaintop experiences are moments. And I don’t want to live in a moment. I want to live a life.

Our best life is drinking in each moment whether we are on the “mountaintop” or not. It is finding beauty in the simplest of tasks to the momentous of occasions.

This life is a gift. And when it is viewed that way, the most ordinary moments become precious and important.

I, for one, never thought I could find satisfaction in ordinary living. I have always yearned for more. But each day, I discover the beauty in the ordinary moments. That is truly living. No striving, just being. We are human beings, after all.

So, I challenge you for the next week to intentionally live your best, true self. Try to develop a habit to live each moment fully, completely, and authentically. Not striving, but being. You can and will find purpose and meaning not only on the mountaintop, but in the mundane moments. For it is because of the ordinary, that the extraordinary has a chance to shine.

If this concept is a struggle for you, I hope you will take the time to learn how to find satisfaction in the ordinary moments of each day. The extraordinary can be some of the most exhilarating times in our lives. However, ordinary, everyday life gives us the opportunity to slow down, take in our surroundings and just be.

Brene Brown said it best: ” I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.”

I think my new motto isn’t going to be to “live an extraordinary life”, but simply to live. Living each day as best I can…present, thankful and with intention. I hope you will join me. 🙂

Hope…with a Side of Disappointment

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On the menu of life, one can find an array of items to choose from— joy, peace, laughter, adventure…you name it. While those choices sound appetizing, life can also offer many unsavory items— fear, pain, heartbreak, disappointment, etc.

With so many items to choose from, I’ve come to recognize the importance of not losing hope even in the most disappointing circumstances.

The dictionary defines disappointment as “the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the unfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.” So, naturally, disappointment can leave any of us feeling sad, regretful, angry or hopeless. And given the climate in our country today, coupled with our own personal trials, it is not surprising many women are experiencing a multitude of emotions associated with disappointment.

Two weeks ago was National Infertility Awareness Week. During that same week, I suffered a miscarriage with my first child. At 10 weeks. The irony of my “awareness” did not escape me.

Before I got pregnant, I was in an “if it happens then it happens, and if it doesn’t…that’s ok too” mindset.  So when I discovered I was pregnant, there was a sense of guilt I carried. Knowing so many friends and loved ones who longed to hear such news, and may never, seemed so unfair to me. While I was so thankful, I did not carry the same depth of longing and now I was about to have a child of my own.

And then the unthinkable happened. A dream my heart never knew it had, was shattered.

It has only been a couple of weeks and I am learning a lot through the grieving process.

There are many aspects of life that we have a say in, can control, and can take ownership of. And sometimes we can’t. Sometimes things are outside of our control and no matter what we do, it may never change the situation the way we would like.

That is a hard pill to swallow. (And I hate taking pills).

You don’t think it could happen to you until it does. And then it’s like you’re invited into this new world, this secret club that has existed long before you joined. A club of women and families dealing with grief, heartbreak, pain, and disappointment, sometimes over and over again. You don’t want to be in this club. You’d like to turn in your membership card and walk out the door. But you can’t.

If one day you do join this club, know that you are not alone. There are many support systems available that make grieving on your own, a thing of the past.

Also, if you haven’t taken time to read Di’s blog post, check it out. It gives great advice on loving on all “mommas” during this upcoming Mother’s Day.

So, what disappointments are you currently dealing with? Infertility? Failed relationships or lack thereof? Failed career goals? Physical/Mental health issues? Family/Marital issues?  How do you continue to have hope when disappointment has become a close friend? 

There are some things in my life that I do not understand why they happened or why God did not intervene in the way I thought (or knew) He could. There will be things in your life that you may not understand and that may never change. But the truth is God is still good through all of it.

Unfortunately, in life, this truth does not always quench the pain, the longing, or the brokenness right away.  I honestly believe that is why we have seasons. There is a verse in the bible that says, “there is a time for every activity under the sun: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Whether I am in a season of dancing or weeping; the truth of who God is does not change.

I want to encourage you today that despite whatever insurmountable disappointment you may be facing, there is hope. Take the time to grieve and process whatever disappointment you are facing. This time of mourning and weeping will turn to laughter and dancing.

In Proverbs, it says, “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.”  This “good break” may not be in the way you hope or think. But what you can rest assured of, is that it will be good. And your heart will smile in it. God will never leave us in our disappointment. The hope we have in Him is that this is not the end of our story. There is another chapter. That will fill our hearts with gladness. We cannot predict how things will turn out but we can find a reason to rejoice.

Hopefully, one day I will deliver a healthy baby and when that happens, I will say God is good. But I also know He is good even if it never does happen. This understanding has taken some time to accept because I have no idea what my future holds, and if I will experience a long journey of infertility or not. But I still have hope that I will have my own child one day. I also have hope my heart will find joy…even if I don’t.

While the menu of life can offer both appetizing and unsavory items, I am thankful that each day we have an opportunity to order something new.  My prayer for myself and for you is that our disappointed hearts will sing again. So I encourage you to have hope, but don’t deny your emotions. Pay attention to them. Feel what you feel. And when joy knocks at the door of your heart, in whatever way it chooses, I hope you will let it in.

Are You in a Safe Place?

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For advocates of victims of domestic violence, this is one of the first questions you are taught to ask on a crisis call. Safety planning is an essential part of trauma informed care. The caller may have a plethora of problems they are facing, but getting them out of harm’s way is always the most pressing issue to resolve.

I remember the first time I asked a caller if they were in a safe place. I thought to myself, “man is that a loaded question!” There are so many ways to be and feel safe. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually…you name it. Notably, physical safety is the main focus on a crisis call, but feeling, being, knowing you are safe is a far more complex concept.

I cannot recall the first time I ever felt safe. But if I could remember, I imagine myself as a baby, cradled in my mother’s arms, as she lovingly rocked me to sleep. The room is dimly lit and you can just make out our silhouettes in the window. I can’t hear what she is saying to me, but the image of us together puts a smile on my face even now. There is such a warm sense of calm and content that fills your body when you know you are safe.

On the flip side, I have personal experience with trauma that left me feeling anything but safe. For many years, I walked around with a heightened fear that danger was around the corner. And that is a sad way to live. However, the most impactful time of feeling unsafe was when I got really honest with myself about my thoughts on God’s love.  Questioning if He truly loved me. Never before had I entertained such a thought. Of course I knew God loved me. He loves everyone. And there is nothing we can do that can separate us from His love. I thought I wholeheartedly believed that. And yet, with the ebb and flow of life, my mind began to question how this was true.

It is interesting how easy it is to forget my first memory of feeling safe. And how it has never been easy to forget all the times that I felt unsafe. Fear can overwhelm your senses and thoughts. At times, it has paralyzed me from seeing the light in a dark situation. I’ve definitely had my raw moments of questioning with God…”if You love me, why did You make me this way? If You love me, why did terrible things happen to me? Because if You really loved me, You would have helped me, kept me safe.”

I have often heard people quote, “God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”  Honestly, I always thought the quote was a little cheesy, but it really packs a lot of wisdom in it.

The safest place in the world to be is knowing that you are loved.  It transforms your mindset. Whatever fear, whatever real or perceived danger, just doesn’t seem as big anymore. Because you know you are not alone. That whatever pain, hurt, or dark times that may come your way, you are not facing it alone.

For a long time, I believed safety meant protection from physical harm. But more and more, I realize it means so much more than that. It means unconditional love.

In Lisa Bevere’s book, Without Rival, she shares her revelation about love. She discovered that “God does not love us equally; He loves us uniquely”. Equal implies that God’s love can be measured. And we cannot measure His love. It is too vast, large and wide. So if equal implies measurable, then “unique implies without equal or rival”. We are each uniquely loved and that is the safest place to be.

Safety can only be truly felt and known in love. And the seeds of truth can only be planted in love.  When you believe the Truth, then you are safe. In whatever way “safe” means to you. It’s not just a thought or a feeling. But a reality.

So…are you in a safe place? This will always be my go to question if I ever handle another crisis call. But an even more important question for you today,  deep down in your core, do you know that you are loved? Because you are and that is the Truth. And the Truth…well, it will set you free.

The Strength That Lives in Weakness

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Steffany Gretzinger, a Bethel Music artist, is releasing a new album at the end of the month. I have loved Steffany’s music since I first discovered her several years ago, so much so, that my husband and I used her song, “No Fear in Love” during our first dance at our wedding, and another one of her songs during the ceremony.  Her songs have helped me work through a lot of pain, heartache, and questioning.  Needless to say, I am pretty excited for her new album to come out.

Last weekend for my birthday, I attended a worship concert where Steffany premiered two songs off her album.  One song, called Save Me, had an exceptional impact on me.  (I encourage you to check out the song when you have a free moment).  I left the concert that night wondering why Steffany and I weren’t already best friends, because she obviously knew so much about my life and felt comfortable sharing it with the world.

During the drive home, the lyrics to her song ran through my mind:

 

[I tried to be the hero for a day
But all my superpowers failed to save]

 

Two years ago I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). ADD can be a confusing, frustrating and inconsistent neurological condition to live with each day.  I always sensed that I had it, but never knew how greatly it impacted my life. Growing up, I tried very hard to compensate and even cover up my shortcomings. I struggled with a lot of the common symptoms: racing thoughts, disorganization, difficulty focusing, impulsivity, mood swings, you name it. Majority of the time I felt I was inadequate. I tried to live up to a standard I saw everyone else reaching…seemingly with much less effort than it took me, which became a constant source of my shame. My self- worth was wrapped up in how well I could or could not accomplish something. I wore the brief moments of self-sufficiency like a badge of honor. “See, look at me! I do have worth. I’m not just a failure.”

 

[So I turned in my ego and my cape
I was made to fly but not this way]

 

 Throughout my life, I tried to so hard to measure up, to be the hero in my story. But more times than not, my attempt at superpowers failed miserably, only exasperating my lack of self-worth.

My ego would not allow me to turn in my cape. It was my symbol of protection from all the lies that told me I was anything but strong and capable. Thankfully, my relationship with God has always brought me back to the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So, I really was made to fly, but not this way.

Now, I do not believe there is anything wrong with wanting to be a strong, capable woman. We all possess those desires and abilities. But even Wonder Woman had help every now and then! We were created for so much more than being our own hero. We were created for relationship.

  

[My weakness is my honor not my shame]

 

Because I yearned to prove my worth, needing help from anyone, even God, was a constant reminder that I was not “good enough.” In my mind, the need for relational support equated to shameful weakness. But as Steffany so eloquently put it, weakness is my honor, not my shame. My capability (or lack thereof) does not equate my worth.

Pondering her lyrics, I realize there is a quiet strength that lives in weakness. In the humble ability to honor others with our vulnerability. As if to say, “I honor you because I value your presence in my life enough to be real with you. That I am struggling. That I don’t have it all together. That I wear a mask of competency on a daily basis. So come on in. Because I can’t do this alone.”

This is definitely easier said than done. I can testify. As I continue to heal from the shame and lies I have carried, I begin to see the beauty and purpose in vulnerability. I encourage you to be the hero in your own life when you can, for it is always so empowering to stand strong in who you are! But when the time comes that you need an outside your comfort zone type help (and you will), ask for it. Be brave enough to know your worth amidst your weakness.

There is an African Proverb that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” My prayer is to go as far as I am supposed to in this life. And I pray the same for you.