We Shall Find the Stars

Encouragement for Women Everywhere

5 Myths of IVF

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On July 25, 1978 Louise Brown, the first IVF baby was born in Great Britain. Since then, more than 8 million babies have been born worldwide via IVF. 

IVF is the process of combining a woman’s eggs with a man’s sperm in a lab, growing that embryo for 3-5 days, and then inserting it back into the woman’s uterus. 

1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and with some medical conditions, IVF is the only way to conceive a child. Many people don’t understand IVF, so I’m here to debunk 5 myths of IVF and tell you what really happens.

 

1. Belief: It’s just a physical procedure 

Truth: It’s also an emotional procedure 

While this is a medical procedure, the emotional and mental part of IVF is worse in my opinion. First off, you’re mixing medications and then injecting them into yourself several times per day.  For many women, the additional hormones can take them on an emotional rollercoaster. There’s also added pressure, as many couples can only afford one cycle and this is their last chance at having a child naturally.

 

2. Belief: Infertility is not a medical condition 

Truth: Most infertility cases stem from a medical issue with the reproductive system 

In 2017, the World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a disease. Many women who can’t conceive have an underlying medical condition like endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome, blocked tubes, or an irregular uterus.

 

3. Belief: It’s always an issue with the woman 

Truth: 40-50% of men have male factor infertility 

Men can exhibit one or a combination of low sperm concentration, poor sperm motility (movement), or abnormal morphology (shape). This can cause the egg to not be fertilized in the woman’s body and there is an IVF component called ICSI, where one sperm is directly inserted into one egg to help overcome this.

 

4. Belief: Insurance covers the cost 

Truth: Only 13 states have mandated infertility coverage

The average cost of an IVF cycle is $15,000 and can go up to $25,000 or $30,000 depending on the type of treatment needed. Many women will need more than one cycle to conceive one child, and will undergo additional cycles for their second and third child. While some insurance companies will cover tests related to the diagnosis, the treatments are not covered in America. 13 states mandate that companies over 50 offer infertility coverage, but that doesn’t necessarily mean IVF.

 

5. Belief: IVF always works 

Truth: The average success rate is 39.6% 

While IVF is the best chance for couples with infertility challenges to conceive (besides a miracle), the average cycle per IVF transfer is only 39.6%. That number drops to 11.5% for women over 40. Imagine spending $15,000, injecting yourself with medications for weeks, undergoing surgery, and then finding out it didn’t work.

Home Is Where You Park It

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Over the last 10 years, I have lived in 10 different homes/apartments, traveled to over 30 countries (spending 1-4 weeks in each), and two RV’s (spending 1-14 nights in each RV park). I’ve had “permanent” residences in 5 states and have slept in more hotels and friend’s couches than I can count. And this was all after college.

So, the concept of home to me is a little foreign.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about what home means and if I can even have “home” because of my traveling lifestyle. Many people would define it as the city/town/house where they grew-up or a physical dwelling place. Others would say it’s metaphorical, like “home is wherever I am.” Still, some would say it’s with a person or place.

A Life is Good T-shirt says, “home is where you park it.” I think that sums up my life right now. That I must create home where I am and that even goes beyond my RV. Home must be a place that’s safe and where I’m free to be myself and express myself. Where I can work out my issues and define my ideals. It’s an identity of belonging somewhere or with someone.

I used to think that I could be a child of the world and that home wasn’t important. That I didn’t need the concept of home or a physical place. And while I do think it’s possible to travel and still have a sense of home, I think it means you must be intentional about creating it. I don’t think it’s always a physical place, but home is what you carry around inside of you.

Pico Iyer gives a great Ted Talk about the concept of home. He says “Movement is a fantastic privilege, and it allows us to do so much that our grandparents could never have dreamed of doing. But movement, ultimately, only has a meaning if you have a home to go back to.”

https://www.ted.com/talks/pico_iyer_where_is_home/transcript?referrer=playlist-what_is_home

It’s important to have a place of rest, center, and home. A place to constantly go back to when you feel like you’re losing your way. A place where you can be still and reflect and feel grounded. Even if it’s not a physical location.

So, what is home to you? Do you have a sense of home? Is that important to you? Leave a note in the comments!

 

The Love of a Dog

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“Dogs are minor angels, and I don’t mean that facetiously. They love unconditionally, forgive immediately, are the truest of friends, willing to do anything that makes us happy, etcetera. If we attributed some of those qualities to a person we would say they are special. If they had ALL of them, we would call them angelic. But because it’s “only” a dog, we dismiss them as sweet or funny but little more. However when you think about it, what are the things that we most like in another human being? Many times those qualities are seen in our dogs every single day– we’re just so used to them that we pay no attention.

-John Carroll

 
One thing that always makes life better is my dogs.
 
I can tell I desperately love something when fear creeps in when I think I could lose it. Franklin to have surgery last week and at his old age (13) there are always risks going under anesthesia. I was a wreck for the entire week.
 
I fully believe that God put dogs on earth to be companions and friends.
 
When we first got Franklin he had Santa hat on and a playful look in his eyes. I saw Little Tee on a Facebook post from the woman who fostered Franklin. He was sitting in a chair in a pink sweater. He has one eye and half a tail. The caption read, “don’t tell him he’s wearing pink.” I immediately knew he would be part of our family. I consulted the lady without even talking to my husband (which I never do). Something just felt right about him. I was going through a hard time with infertility and he was looking for a human to love.
 
These dogs have been my rocks through my fertility treatments. When I am crying, Tee will put his paws on my chest and lick my tears. Franklin will bring me his favorite ball to play, because the ball is comforting to him. I know this sounds crazy, but dogs know when something is wrong. I believe they feel on a deep level and have undying amounts of loyalty to their owners.
 
“Pets are the unrivaled masters of giving back. The pleasure they take in giving themselves back to us is perhaps their greatest lesson. Like our animals, we are wired to connect. To reach out, to love. But unlike them, with us other things get in the way— jealousy, insecurity, irritation, anger. Pets help us constantly come back to what makes us human. They’re a furry version of our best selves.” 
-Ariana Huffington
 
I know a lot of other animals who have helped people cope with difficult situations. Therapy dogs are helping to heal the emotional sides of cancer. According to that book I read, dogs are actually the closest mammal to humans in terms of the diseases they get. I believe this makes them incredibly relatable. And maybe it’s wrong to lean on them so much for support, but I believe they care. They listen. They understand.

Financial Freedom

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I firmly believe that while people do get lucky in life, many times it’s because they put themselves in a position to take the “lucky” opportunity. One of the biggest ways to set yourself up for opportunities is to take charge of your finances.

For the last two years, my husband and I have traveled the country in our RV. While we have run into other people in the 20s and 30s that are fulltime RVers, we definitely meet more retirees. In Fargo, one older man said to my husband, “you’re either a 15-year-old drug lord, 25-year-old pimp, or you’re way older than you look to be a full-time RVer.” There are definitely preconceived notions of our lifestyle.

A lot of people have said, “oh, it must be nice to just take time off work and travel. I wish I had enough money to do that.” It has been nice and we are really thankful to be in this position. But there are two things most people don’t know:

  1. We both run our own businesses and are definitely in “start-up mode.” i.e.- we work a lot!
  2. We spent three years working our butts off to put ourselves in this position.

 

Why did we want to become debt free?

When we first got married, our minimum debt payments were around $2,500/month. No joke. And Nate was running a small business and I was working as a marketing manager but definitely not at a manager’s salary. We didn’t have money to go out and we certainly didn’t experience any financial freedom. We took a finance class together (Dave Ramsey) three months after we got married and it was one of the smartest things we’ve ever done for our marriage. We made a plan and had the same language to talk about finances.

We wanted to be in a position where we could take an opportunity if it came up. Maybe live in Thailand for a year, or have the freedom to start a business of our own. In about 36 months we paid off more than $130,000 of debt, which was everything except for our mortgage.

I’m thankful that we sacrificed then, so we can live the life we want to live now. I want to share with you some practical tips on getting debt-free, so you can experience the same type of freedom.

Here’s how we did it:

 

1.     We committed for the long haul– It’s one thing to not buy new clothes for three months to save money, and it’s another to commit until the debt is done. While we didn’t completely deprive ourselves, we were very frugal during that time.

2.     We took a finance class. We went through the Dave Ramsey program. First, we saved $1,000 for an emergency fund, then paid off debt and now we’re saving for a 20% down payment on a house. Going through a finance program together got us to have a common language about money. We were on the same page and I can honestly say that we’ve never had a big fight about money because of it.

3.     We prioritized what was important. Health and fitness are both really big for us so we decided weren’t going to give up Crossfit and eating healthy. When you’re in debt-free mode for the long haul, you need to give yourself one or two small luxuries so you don’t burn yourself out. That was enough to get us through the times when we didn’t buy new clothes.

4.     We got rid of car payments. Nate sold is Miata and we bought a $1,400 Camry with cash.

5.     We tracked every penny. And I mean every penny. I knew where were spending everything. You would be surprised at how much you spend on little things until you track it all.

6.     I shopped the sales and coupons. I rarely ever bought something that wasn’t on sale, and that included food.

7.     I worked multiple jobs. Yes, it’s a pain for a while, but it helps out because you’re getting extra money and using the time to work instead of going out and spending money.

8.     We still gave at least 10% of our income to charity. This is important because I believe a person is never completely fulfilled unless they’re giving back.

 

Paying off debt allowed us to take a chance running our own businesses and travel the U.S. It’s literally changed our lives and given us the freedom to take opportunities as they come. Are you looking for financial freedom? What opportunities would come if you didn’t have any debt? Comment below and please reach out if I can help!

Burnout

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I recently read “Present over Perfect” by Shauna Neiquist and I found her part on burnout profound.

She writes:

     “Part of the crazy of it is that we don’t allow people to fall apart unless they’re massively successful. You can’t be just a normal lady with a normal job and burn yourself out — that’s only for bight people. And so the normal, exhausted, soul-starved people keep going, because we’re not special enough to burn out.” 

Two years ago I had a normal job, a normal-sized house, and a fairly ordinary life. I thought that since I didn’t have four kids running around and millions of activities that I wasn’t allowed to be burnt out. That burnout was only for people who had full schedules and too much on their plates. I learned that emotional burnout is just as real as physical burnout.

 Neiquist continues:

“Burnout is not reserved for the rich or the famous or the profoundly successful. It’s happening to so many of us, people across all kinds of careers and lifestyles.

If you’re tired, you’re tired, no matter what. If the life you’ve crafted for yourself is too heavy, it’s too heavy, no matter if people on either side of you are carrying more or less. You don’t have to have a public life or a particularly busy life in order to be terribly, dangerously depleted.

You just have to buy into the idea that your feelings and body and spirit aren’t worth listening to, and believe the myth that busyness or achievement or both will take away the pain.

And you can buy into those things as a stay-at-home parent or a brain surgeon, in Manhattan or on a farm, whether you’re fifteen or eighty-five.”

 

Do you believe you’re not significant enough to face burnout? Do you listen to your body, mind, and soul when they are screaming “enough!?” What are ways that you take care of yourself to prevent burnout?

While I wish I had all the answers, I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I consistently ask myself, What does it mean to give your burdens to God? What does it mean to practice mindfulness? What does it mean to be fully present in the moment?

I’ll leave you with one final quote from her book:

“And if you, like me, have also internalized some twisted-up theology that this healing and restoration that Jesus offers are not for you, that you’re a server in this great restaurant, a crew member aboard this lovely ship, then you are destined to exhaust yourself, tugging on the bootstraps of your soul, lifting something that was never meant to be carried alone.”

How to Help Women Struggling With Infertility On Mother’s Day

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As I approach my fourth Mother’s Day since finding out about our infertility issues, I’m finding that the day doesn’t really get easier.

This week is national infertility awareness week. The CDC estimates that 1 in 8 couples, or 6.1 million women in the U.S. struggle with infertility. There’s a good chance many of those women are sitting in the pews next to you and you don’t even know it.

Church has been especially rough for me on this day. We all know the drill. The pastor asks the mother’s to stand, they’re given flowers, applause, and the sermon is dedicated to them. At some churches the fathers cook breakfast, kids make cards in Sunday school, and decorations about mom abound. It must be glorious to be a mom on that day.

When the pastor says “will all the mothers stand,” here’s what goes through my head:

Well, I have two children but they’re both in heaven so do I stand? If I stand, people will know I don’t have any living children and ask questions. Or worse, they’ll ask if I’m pregnant, which is really upsetting. If I don’t stand do I not believe my children were real even know they were only with me for a short time? Do only mother’s with living children stand?

The thought alone makes me cry because I would love for my children to be on earth right now.

The last few years I’ve actually skipped church on Mother’s Day. While I’m happy for the moms to get their day, it’s really just awful for me.

I’ve come to realize that this day is not only hard for women dealing with infertility and miscarriage, it’s also hard for people who have lost their moms, or didn’t have a mom at all. Churches will try to compensate by praying for those who are waiting, or giving them a white flower. While I applaud their good intentions, to me, that’s even worse than doing nothing at all. I can think of nothing more embarrassing than walking up front and get a consolation prize in front of the congregation. How about doing that on national infertility awareness week instead of making them sit through a Mother’s Day service to get prayed for.

I completely understand that the church can’t cater to everyone, all the time. I don’t expect them to. They should find a way to honor the mothers. I don’t go to church on Mother’s Day anymore, but there are a lot of women who do, so here are a few things you can do to comfort those who might be mourning on that day.

  1. While it might be tempting to ask all the women in your life when they will be having babies, this is the worst day to ask them. It is so difficult to know who is struggling to get pregnant and bringing it up on mother’s day is just too hard for someone on an infertility journey.
  2. When people don’t know what to say, they often offer stories from their friends. My friend tried for three years and then it happened naturally. I bet yours is just around the corner. The reality is for many women it doesn’t happen and their medical situation may not physically allow them to have biological children.
  3. I’ve had people tell me things about “God’s timing” and “God’s will” more than I can count. It’s better to tell them you’re praying for them and actually do it.
  4. Do something nice for her the week before Mother’s Day. You can bring her dinner, flowers, or a card the week before, and let her know you’re thinking about her with the day coming up.

If you’re struggling to get or stay pregnant, you’re not alone. Please take time to grieve and work through your emotions. And it’s okay to stay in your pajamas, drink wine, and take a day to relax 😀

 

 

 

When the Journey Is More Than the End Result

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I’ve always been one to seek end results and not enjoy the journey. I want to know exactly where I’m going, how much it’s going to cost, and what I’ll accomplish at the end. How I get there is not as important as long as I’m doing it with integrity. It’s not completely a terrible trait and it makes me a great event planner and detail-orientated worker. Still, I miss out on life by not living in the moment.

This year my husband and I will be visiting at least 10 National Parks. We’re not the most outdoorsy people you’ll ever meet, but we enjoy hiking; me for the exercise and Nate for the views. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the views, but if I’m already going to sweat, I might as well get my heart rate up.

Last week when we were at Zion National Park in Utah we decided to do a hike called Angel’s Landing. It’s 2.5 miles each way but you go up 1,500 feet in elevation, making it strenuous.

The hike starts off uphill, but fairly easy. After about a mile you hit your first set of switchbacks where you go uphill pretty quickly. The next half mile is breezy. Then you get to “Walter’s Wiggles,” a series of 21 switchbacks straight uphill. I had to stop a couple times, but I could really just see the next turn in front of me, so I focused on getting past that turn.

Then things get a little tricky. The last half mile has chains you must use to hold onto as you walk across the edge of the cliff with 1,000-foot drops on either side. At the top of this section, you see a sign saying 16 people have died on this hike. This is after you’ve hiked uphill for two miles and gained 1,000 feet of elevation.

Again, I could just see the little portion in front of me so I went for it. It was challenging, but I got through the first 200 feet of chains which led us to the top of a giant rock. “This is it,” I thought. “I did it!” About a minute later, I realized we weren’t even close to the top. In front of me was another portion of the mountain that went straight up 500 feet. Imagine rock climbing with chains for 500 feet without a harness.

It’s funny because I was fine using the chains to propel myself up when I couldn’t see where I was going, but as soon as I could see that I had to climb 500 feet, I began to doubt myself. My legs were tired and the possibility of falling 1,000 feet off the cliff was haunting my mind. I could see the entire mountain and it was daunting. Yet, I didn’t have those thoughts when I couldn’t see the climb.

And that’s when it hit me that I’m always striving for knowing what’s next in my life, but if I always knew what was next, I might not be able to handle it. I think that’s why God gives us time and limits our ability to see into the future. If we saw all of the obstacles that are in front of us, it would paralyze us with fear. We might think we couldn’t go on. It would be too much. But we can make it up one switchback at a time. We can make it around the next corner to go up the next hill.

I’m learning to live each day and be thankful for the journey. Knowing that I just need to get through one obstacle at a time makes life more enjoyable and less stressful. Besides, isn’t it great to be able to look back and see all you’ve accomplished instead of looking forward to something you know nothing about? So what are you thankful for today? What insurmountable obstacle are you going through that you think you can’t get through?

Introduction to “We Shall Find the Stars”

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I often struggle with comparison.  So many times over the last two years I’ve tried to start a blog (well, multiple), but fear has left these projects unfinished.

Why should I start a blog when there are so many other ones out there? Who wants to hear what I have to say? What about the internet trolls who bash me for being vulnerable?

Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. Think too much of ourselves and we are arrogant. Think too little of ourselves and we are timid.

When I called the other women to ask them to be part of the blog, each of them said something like, “I’ve always wanted to blog but didn’t have a platform/readers/didn’t know how, etc.” It confirmed to me that I needed to get women together to share their stories.

 

Our Vision

Our vision is that this is more than a blog, but a community and place where women can connect with other women and know they’re not alone in their joy and struggles. For now, we’ll be posting blogs twice a week and engaging on Facebook and Instagram. We’re open to suggestions on what our readers what to hear and how they want to interact.

 

Our Values

While each person who writes on this site has different personal values, goals, and life-experiences, at our core, we all have these values in common:

  • Women should feel empowered and not brought down
  • It’s a great thing to have an adventurous spirit
  • Community can strengthen you
  • We have freedom to constantly evolve, grow, and change
  • “The Kitchen Table” is a great place for life to happen
  • Every person has a purpose
  • Honesty. Always

 

Where Does the Name Come From?

The name, We Shall Find the Stars comes from a prayer attributed to sea captain Sir Francis Drake in the 16th Century.

 

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves,

When our dreams have come true

Because we have dreamed too little,

When we arrived safely

Because we sailed too close to the shore.

 

Disturb us, Lord, when

With the abundance of things we possess

We have lost our thirst

For the waters of life;

Having fallen in love with life,

We have ceased to dream of eternity

And in our efforts to build a new earth,

We have allowed our vision

Of the new Heaven to dim.

 

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,

To venture on wider seas

Where storms will show Your mastery;

Where losing sight of land,

We shall find the stars. 

We ask You to push back

The horizons of our hopes;

And to push into the future

In strength, courage, hope, and love.

 

We believe when we venture out into the unknown it can be scary, but it’s also a place where you can find great reward and passion. Each “star differs from star in splendor.” Although there are billions out there, they are all unique and made to shine in their own way.

 

Does the world really need another blog?

Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that women are hard-wired for connection and I was struggling to find a diverse group of women who I could connect with. So we created this blog to share stories and thoughts. We encourage you to comment on posts and interact with each of us.

 So that’s it for now. We’re excited to share our lives with you. Please check out the team page to see the amazing women who are part of this adventure.

 

Rediscovering Myself

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Nate and I have been married for almost 6 years. More than half of those have been using trying to have a baby. I won’t bore you with the timings, details, medical procedures, etc., but it’s been an emotionally exhausting journey. And it’s lead me to a journey of rediscovering myself.
 
As a woman, I have spent my entire married life planning around kids. 
  • I have had to get a job that had a good maternity leave policy and flexible hours
  • We spent years getting out of debt so it would be the best for your family
  • We bought a huge house in the suburbs and even had the babies rooms picked out
  • We’ve had our kids names picked out for three years and one of my friends just took one of our names (not on purpose)
  • I passed up opportunities in Chicago
  • I spent 4-5 days a week at acupuncture, chiropractic, and naturopathic doctors
  • I spent $30,000 on surgeries and fertility treatments that landed me with miscarriages (plus more expenses).
  • Trying to have a baby was all-consuming.
 
After my miscarriage, I spent months avoiding kids
  • I didn’t grocery shop during the day because that’s when all the stay-at-homes mom s would go.
  • I couldn’t go to my bible study because there were multiple pregnancy women. A couple times I made it to the parking lot, had a panic attack, popped a Xanax, and went home and watch Food Network with a bowl of ice cream.
 
After 4 years, I’ve finally found out that motherhood could not define me. Maybe motherhood will be a part of who I am, but it is not all of me. It’s not all I have to give, and hopefully, it won’t be the defining moment in my life. Because along the way, I’ve lost who I actually am, what I love to do, and what my purpose in life is. Who I was made to be. I spent so much time thinking that thing would define my life, that I never dreamed how I could have an impact with it.
“The fulfillment of our promises cannot be our substance because we need to eat every day.” – Lisa Bevere
In order to move on and find those things again. I need to shift my focus from family to who God has created ME to be. What are my gifts and talents? What can I contribute to society?
 
So, at 31-years-old I’m finally rediscovering myself. It’s scary. According to society, I should have this all figured out by now. But I don’t. And it will probably take me some time. So I hope you’re willing to walk on this journey with me and learn a little something about yourself along the way.

 

On Thankfulness

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I think one thing we can all agree on is that this election has been crazy. I want to preface this before I start, this post has nothing to do with me being happy/unhappy about the election. With Veterans Day quickly approaching and Thanksgiving just around the corner, I’m choosing to be thankful for the things that I have as an American.

I spent two years in my early twenties as a missionary. I’ve traveled to 31 countries. I’ve seen just about every injustice known to man and met people that have endured more than I could imagine. These people and countries are very dear to my heart, but visiting these places made me aware of rights I have as an American, that many people don’t. So these are the things that America has that I am thankful for today.

 

1. I am thankful that I have access to clean water. When I was in an African country, a woman told me that 99% of her problems would be solved with clean water. “If we only had water, we could plant a community garden. All the teenagers could work in it and they would be tired at the end of the day. They would go home and sleep instead of getting in trouble, and doing sexually promiscuous things because they have nothing to do.” People are dying because of starvation and AIDS. I am thankful today for water.

 

2. I am thankful I got an education. Yes, I grew up in one of the best school systems in the nation, but even if I hadn’t, America offers the chance to get a free public education through grade 12. I’ve met many kids around the world who will never get the chance to go to school. Ever. And they would kill for that chance.

 

3. I am thankful I live in a country with democracy. I got to vote. Even as a woman, I have a voice.

 

4. I am thankful I got to choose my husband. I’ve seen a lot of beautifully arranged marriages and I’m really glad it works for some people. But I am thankful that I got to choose Nate.

 

5. I am thankful I have access to healthcare. Now, in no way am I saying that I’m thrilled with our healthcare system, but I once visited a baby hospital where rows and rows of babies were lined up barely moving. Their bodies burned my hands to touch. Most of them would never make it past the first few weeks of life.

 

6. I am thankful I have food that is nutritious and abundant. I can walk into a grocery store and choose from 50 types of cereal, and while I’m not 100% sure that is a good thing, I’m happy to have access to enough food to keep me alive (and then some!)

 

7. I am thankful I have career options. In Asia, I hang out with women who felt they had no choice but sell themselves to men to make money for their families. And some of those women didn’t choose it.

 

8. I am thankful I live in a country where people with disabilities matter. I spent a month in one country where children with disabilities are abandoned into an “invalid orphanage” and never touched. Babies that have never been held. I’m happy we have organizations like the “Special Olympics” and accommodations in schools.  I am thankful for Non-profits who are funded well enough to help them further.

 

Now, there are many things that these countries have that America doesn’t, and I specifically didn’t name countries because I really love the nations. But today I am choosing to focus on what I have in America. I am proud to be a citizen of this country. Do I agree with every decision the White House makes? Of course not! Will I fight for an issue that I believe in? You bet I will. But I will choose to be thankful throughout the process. I’ve wasted too many years focusing on what I don’t have, and it’s time to be thankful for what I do have. 

And thank you to our veterans who put their lives on the line every day for our freedom. I notice you, and although I could never understand your sacrifice, I am thankful for it.