Shanda Dodd

Recently, I was coming through immigration into Dublin, Ireland, and spent a hefty amount of time answering questions at the border. You see, my life doesn’t really make sense. I’m an American, but born in Norway… a missionary/non-profit worker/artist who has been living in Spain for 8 years and originally got there on a retirement visa… but now I’m trying to move to Ireland, researching jobs, and visiting friends for the summer… and I have less than $300 to my name for the remainder of the month. I don’t live a ‘typical’ life and I don’t look like your ‘typical’ tourist. 

This was not my first time being questioned at a border. I am well trained in what to say and how to word my situation so it can be best understood. However, I surprised myself this time. When asked what I would be doing over the next six weeks and what my days would look like, I responded: “I’ll be working on some writing; I write blogs.” A) I know better than to mention anything about working in a foreign country (This can lead to a lot of questions to make sure you’re not working illegally) and B) Since when did volunteering to write blogs once a month become official work that I tell to customs officers? 

A few hours later, after settling into my cozy Airbnb, I sat down to write this blog. There is always a frenzied conversation in my head when I sit down to write… What do I want to say? What do people need to hear? What has already been said? Does anyone even read these? Tonight, while pondering all those questions, my answer at the Irish border popped into my head… “I write blogs”… the answer had come completely by accident, but on reflection, it hit me in a profound way. 

I want to be a writer in some sort of capacity. I’ve dabbled in copy editing, done a smattering of poetry, and even talked about writing a book. Back in the summer of 2015, I took three weeks of intentional time to start my book and I loved it. I have yet to write more for my book since then, even though I occasionally look over the first few chapters and get super excited again. There has been a block in my mind about writing that has stopped me from moving forward into my dream of becoming a writer.

To be honest, I sometimes doubt whether I have the skill, style, and message to be a great writer. Those thoughts have created a block, but unbeknownst to me, writing these blogs has been a breakthrough in my subconscious. I don’t know when it changed, but I’m now calling myself a writer in my mind. In the past, I would say I’m an artist, a creative, and maybe add on that I like writing, but I don’t recall ever saying I was a writer. And then, under mild interrogation, it slipped out to a ginger customs agent who was trying to piece together the confusing story that is my life… “I’ll be working on some writing; I write blogs.” A clear and definitive proclamation that I write. I am a writer. 

They say that the battle is 90% between our ears. They say practice makes perfect. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert. They say a lot of things. But I think in these cases they were right. The battle has been in my head. A battle of doubt and insecurity. But with a little practice, like writing these blogs, I’ve begun to believe in myself more. I am nowhere near the 10,000 hours supposedly needed to become an expert, but I’m on my way. 

This is a small revelation, but I think a powerful one if we allow it to transform us. What do you love? What do you want to be good at? Start practicing it NOW and begin taking steps forward. It might be a poco a poco journey, but they say every bit counts, eh? 

For me, it took committing to this blog, something I wasn’t sure I had time for or even 100% sure I wanted to do, to begin practicing what I love. And as fate would have, or more likely God’s grand plan, with each blog I have broken through bits of my fears and worries. I am learning that I have a message, the skills needed, and that my style is developing more and more with each word I write. 

What can you do to begin wearing down that 90% battle in your mind? Is there something you can begin practicing to help you move forward in your dreams? Try saying yes and see what unfolds. Say it out loud. Your dreams are waiting!

By the time this blog is posted, I will be celebrating my 33rd birthday, south of Dublin, in a little seaside village with some great friends. I’m really looking forward to it! Partly because I love the way the Irish say “Turty-tree”, and partly because it means I am well into my thirties and that is exciting. I’ve made it another year —another year older, another year wiser!

I remember being a teenager and thinking that I knew it all… didn’t we all! If I knew half of what I thought I knew when I was a teenager I would be the smartest human alive*. The teen years are an odd time —a mix of over confidence and a dash of self-doubt, toss in a bit of awkwardness, some fickle hormones, and don’t forget the unrealistic pressure to know what you want out of life before you’ve actually lived it. I am happy to have survived my teen years with as little damage as I did. 

Then came the twenties —a time of figuring out who you are and more importantly who you are not. Somewhere along the way of growing up we put on a lot things that aren’t actually us. It might be societal pressures to look or act a certain way, expectations from parents when it comes to career, religion, education, or relationships, or maybe it is just a self-preservation idea that we have attached to our identity. Regardless of the origins, I think most 20 somethings walk around with layers and layers of not themselves clothing. 

I feel like I spent my twenties taking off those layers to uncover who I really was — who God created me to be, the inner me with all my unique and beautiful characteristics. I took off layer after layer…  the coat of I need to be more outgoing in order to be taken seriously, the sweater of a good Christian girl acts and looks like XYZ, the socks of I will never be as pretty as the friend that had all the boyfriends in high school, the boots of my dreams are selfish and not realistic, the scarf of no one wants to listen to what I have to say… and so many more. Some layers were taken off in the blink of an eye when I replaced a lie with truth, and other layers were like peeling your skin off a leather seat in the heat of summer, slow and painful. But each layer was worth it. 

I was able to enter my thirties a lot lighter and more confident in who I am, but a little wobbly when it came to walking out life. After years of extra layers and restrictive clothes, it takes some time to get used to walking in freedom and true identity. As I celebrate another birthday, I feel like I am getting steadier in my walk each day. I know who I am and I know what it looks like to be fully me. There are still days when I put on some old ‘clothes’ out of insecurity, doubt, habit, or self-preservation, but I am getting quicker at stripping back down to the real me. 

What clothes are you wearing that aren’t really you? What things are restricting you, holding you back, weighing you down?

Whether you are in your teens, 20s, 30s, or an age older and wiser, it is never too early or too late to strip down to the real you, the one God made you to be. Strip down to the glorious and beautiful human that God created. Trust me, it feels really good. 

Cheers to 33 and another year of walking out who I am!

*That line is from my mom 🙂 She is a smart one. 

Birthdays often make you think about the future. I am turning 33 soon and the inevitable thoughts about aging are starting to pop up. But nothing makes you think about getting old quite like being around old people.

My grandmother is a joy-filled 99-year-old firecracker who probably has more friends than I do. She is a social butterfly who is always looking forward to an occasion when she is able to wear one of those skirt suits, even if the occasion these days is, more often than not, a funeral. She is feisty and still pretty sharp. Just last week she beat my mother and me in a game of Phase Ten and we were definitely not trying to let her win. She is quite amazing for being almost a century old. 

Like any elderly person, she can be stuck in ways. Without throwing my wonderful 99-year-old grandmother under the bus, I’ll just say that there are qualities I love about her and qualities that I do not wish to possess when I am her age. 

So how do I become the 99-year-old lady that I want to be? I start now. The person that I want to be in 66 years starts today. Heck, the person I want to be tomorrow starts today! And not just who I want to be for me, but who I want to be for my family and friends, who I want to be as a wife, and even who I want to be as a mother. 

I have been blessed with a great family and awesome friends. However, the husband and kids are still in the “praying for” stages. But that shouldn’t stop me from wanting to be the best wife and mother I can be and working towards those characteristics now. 

Ask yourself, what kind of an old person do you want to be? The type that everyone loves visiting? The one that listens well? The kind that shares wisdom or the type that people avoid? The one that is known for being crotchety and grumpy? The miserable sort that complains about everything? The type that is plagued with bitterness and cynicism?

Decide who you want to be now and begin that journey.

I have decided that I want to be the kind of old person that shares stories out of wisdom. That means that I need to get better at sharing my story NOW. I need to be more vulnerable with the hardships in life and not shake off the difficult moments by turning up the music and dancing in the kitchen (although that can be a great remedy at times, I don’t recommend it for all occasions). I want to open up to others when I’m still in process and not only once I’ve figured things out on my own. 

I want my kids to know that their creative dreams matter. That means that I need to show them by example and start living out my creative dreams NOW. I want to pursue art. I want to be an artist. And I cannot wait until the day when I say that and it feels real and not like a silly statement. 

I want my children to know that they are loved. But I have to model that by first knowing that I am loved NOW and diving into what it truly means to be created by a loving God who wants nothing more than to love me. 

I want to be a caring wife who is slow to anger and quick to forgive. I can practice all of that NOW. I may not be married yet, but there are plenty of people in my life that I can be caring towards and plenty of moments when I can stretch my muscles of being slow to anger and quick to forgive. 

I want to live until my body gives out peacefully in my sleep (don’t we all wish that!). To do that I need to be healthy NOW. Which means fewer cookies and more vegetables, less sleeping in and more early morning walks, and since I live in Spain, probably a bit less Spanish wine. 

At my funeral, I want people to talk about how they have never met anyone as peaceful and joyful as Shanda _________ (come on husband with a new last name!) I am a naturally peaceful and joyful person, but even in the areas that we are naturally gifted, there is still room for growth. 

I want people to see me as a woman of faith and thankfulness — a woman who trusts God’s voice and jumps headfirst into the unknowns, a woman that thanks God for the little things and rejoices easily at His provision. Those start NOW!

If you want to be known as the sweet patient old lady, start being sweet and patient now. If you want to be the understanding and supportive wife, find friends to understand and support now. If you want to be the mom that throws the best birthday parties, start throwing some awesome dinner parties right now. The practice for who you want to be starts NOW.

To put it simply, if I want to lift 100 pounds, that doesn’t happen in one try. It takes time and repetition. It starts with little weights and works its way up as my muscles get stronger. What muscles do you want to be known for later on in life?

If you’re around in 66 years when I am 99, please come visit me. I hope to be alive and well, telling stories on a front porch somewhere surrounded by a cloud of peace and joy as my husband, children and grandchildren gather around to listen to my stories of living a life of creativity, faith, and love. And if all goes well with my workout plan, I might still be able to play a game of badminton in the front yard. 

I am not a fearful person in the obvious sense of the word. I love a good adventure! Motorcycles, skydiving, exploring abandoned buildings… I’m there. I will hold a snake, walk to the edge of a cliff and look down hundreds of feet, and I’m not just fine, but great. I simply don’t live my life with a lot of fear. 

Imagine my surprise when I realized fear had sneakily infiltrated my thoughts and was slowly taking over.

Currently, I am in the middle a huge transition. The life-changing, career-changing, location-changing kind of transition. It is the kind of change where there are more unknowns than knowns and nothing is finalized or remotely concrete. I feel like I’m floating above life with nothing to tether me to the ground. It is understandable that there is a bit of fear. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so powerful.

A few weeks ago, I sat down with my journal and began writing an endless list of questions. I quickly realized my questions were not out of my normal curiosity and wonder, instead, their root was worry and fear. Fear had slowly worked its way into my subconscious and was creeping around causing stress, anxiety, and evening stealing some precious hours of sleep. And I love my sleep!

I spent a few hours going through all my fears. Writing them down one by one and realizing I had two kinds of fears — those that are rational and actually deserve a bit of my time and others that are completely irrational and a waste of precious energy. 

There are fears that are normal and even good. We need those to survive. Are you scared of walking down a dark alleyway at night? There’s probably some wisdom in not going that direction alone. Are you scared of lighting your gas stove with a match? Rightly so, you can totally singe the hair off your knuckles or worse. A healthy amount of survival fear is what keeps us alive. Then there are fears that make things exciting. The thrill of skydiving comes from the fact that it is terrifying to jump out of an airplane thousands of feet above the ground. Think of that joyous feeling after you have mustered up the courage to talk to the cutie sitting at the table next to you. These fears push us towards wisdom and sometimes towards exhilarating risks. Again, we need these. 

However, most of our fears do not fall into the rational fear category. If we allow it, our lives can be plagued by the irrational fears that hold us back and crush our dreams. When we let those types of fears drive our decisions, we give them all the power! And that is truly a sad and scary place. 

As I was examining my fears, I quickly realized that most of them were pointless. The irrational kind. The ‘what if’ kind. They were worries that were pushing my peace to the side and trying to smother my trust in God’s plan. 

A few years back a good friend recommended Elizabeth Gilbert’s ¨Big Magic”. As fate would have it, I picked up a copy at a used bookshop a few weeks ago in the middle of my fear analysis. I began reading only to discover the book begins with an entire section about courage in overcoming fear. Cue perfect timing!

Elizabeth acknowledges that fear has a place in life, but that left unchecked it is “a desolate boneyard where our dreams go to desiccate in the hot sun.” I couldn’t agree more. I was finding it harder and harder to dream the more I allowed fear to infiltrate my thoughts.

But how do you fight fear if you are fearful already? Fear breeds fear. It is all it knows how to do. So if we fight back we are fighting it with more fear. Elizabeth explains “It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes, too.”

It is not about getting rid of fear, but about bravery in the face of fear! Once you muster up the courage to call your fears out on their bullshit and irrationality, it gets easier to ignore them and start actually living life. 

Think about your dream. The idea that brings you the most excitement, fulfillment, and joy. Get a clear picture in your head…

Now think… what if I fail? What if someone is better at it than me? What if it looks different than I think? What if it looks the exact same as I think? What if it doesn’t last? What if it’s more work than I think? What if I look ridiculous doing it? What if people think I’m crazy? What if people realize I don’t have it all together? What if, what if, what if….

Were any of those questions scarier than the joy that thinking about your dream brought you? I would venture to say that if your dream truly is what brings you the most life, then none of those fearful questions will come close to stopping you. Those fear-based questions do not deserve to drive your decisions at all. They will only hold you hostage and hinder you from actually living out your dreams and purpose.

Allow fear the space it deserves, the rational space that keeps you alive… but like Elizabeth says to fear “You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to the touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”

Once you have embraced bravery and called fear out on its lies, the key to keeping it at bay is to replace those thoughts with peace and trust. Remember that you were created out of love and love casts out all fear. Our creator is the most trustworthy and peaceful presence out there! Drawing near to Him will help to realign your thoughts as you find freedom from fear and begin to follow what you love.

It is definitely a case of easier said than done, but I am choosing bravery in the midst of all my unknowns, peace in the mysteries, and trust in God’s bigger plan. It is a daily, sometimes hourly choice to not give into fear, but I am confident that my dreams deserve my courage! And so do yours!