Tara Stephenson

Have you ever found yourself assigned to the most random table at a wedding reception? You walk up to the seating chart (probably listed on a chalkboard) with all your friends and find out you’re seated halfway across the room. Instead of being next to your companions, you’re sitting next to Aunt Judy ‘the wino’, a socially unaware cousin, Mike, and a newlywed couple that is still color-coordinating their dress and tie.

This situation is a case of the friend table being maxed out and the bride and groom needing someone to sit at the “random” table. They chose you knowing you would be the one to offer up some banter and conversation with each person. They were right.

It’s through this picture that we realize we don’t always get the freedom to choose who we are around or who is seated at our table. And then there are other parts of life in which we have complete freedom to say who we want near us and who to keep at bay.

Let me take this one step further. Let us step out of the physical and into our minds. Think of all the different voices that we hear throughout the day. I am not talking about being schizophrenic, but the things we hear that influence us or help us make decisions or shape how we perceive something or someone.

        

Imagine a space with a long wooden dining table set in preparation for the guests to arrive. You are seated at the head of the table and you have the freedom to invite whomever you want. Those seated at this table are going to help you understand your thoughts, assist you in making decisions, get lost in imagination, help you overcome hard moments, etc. Unlike the reception table where you were ‘stuck’ for 2 hours chatting to Aunt Judy about her wine-of-the-month club, at this table you have a choice. You don’t have to put up with the randomness and you can choose to have Wisdom as the guest of honor.

I find that this extravagant table in my mind often has guests that shouldn’t be allowed to be an active part of the conversation. For example, when I am waking up in the morning, I start thinking about my day and what needs to get done. It is in that moment, that my guest Rest or Calmness can have a moment to shine. But often I hear Negative speak up… ”Ahhh ummm, seems like you have too much planned. Good luck getting that done.” Or Worry… “Ooo, I wonder what they will think if you do that.” Or Striving… “Well before you take a break, make sure you check this box. Then you’ll be ahead and you’ll have earned the rest.”

It’s all these guests that have such easy access to sway decisions and affect how we perceive ourselves, God and one another. They have power because we have given them power. We let them sit too close to us, when in reality, they need to get up from the table because they are not welcome. Any guest that is not there to help produce fruit in your thoughts is not welcome to hang around. They are passersby.

The subconscious can be a mystery and sometimes these characters are playing a huge role and we don’t even know it. I recently have become more aware of my thoughts, who is seated at my table, and who keeps interrupting. When Patience, Joy, Hope, Wisdom, Rest are close, no matter the circumstance or worry things begin to change. Fear has to leave, Paranoia flees, and then Truth comes back, Grace is extended to the person beside me, and even Love is extended to myself.

A simple way to identify the key players is to pay attention to your thoughts. Sounds easy but we often let things slip and become lazy in our thinking. This allows the guests to play musical chairs and inch by inch get closer to a place of influence.  When I start to feel anxious or worried, I take a moment. I breathe. I invite God into the situation and ask Him to bring perspective and say who I want seated with me. Grace come. New Perspective come. Wisdom make your way. When I do this, I physically become lighter and the critic is forced to leave the table. I am left with sound judgment and Hope whispering into my ear “It’s going to be ok. This will pass. You’re not alone.”

The freedom and tools we have to rewire our minds and develop healthy patterns of thinking amazes me. We are not enslaved by our old ways of thinking. If you find yourself feeling like a victim, in many cases, those are voices that are not talking about who you really are. Those are the kind of voices you are not going to invite over for a dinner party. I hope you begin to see that you are not a slave or stuck with the table that you have created. The table can change. There is freedom. Who you include at your table changes the conversation and creates new habits that are full of healthy words. It takes time and that is ok. But it can start today! Today, when you wake up and while you read this, I hope you can sense a lightness and decide to which guests it is time to say ‘hit the road’ and to which guests you give a big welcome.

Current location: Dublin region, Ireland

Beverage of choice: 8 oz Flat white

 

It has currently been 6 months of living out of my black American Tourists bag, luging around too many books and layers for all weather conditions. It has also been a time in my life when I have been able to hug numerous friends and family, meet the new babies, dream again and attempt to slow down to discern what is next on the horizon. It’s transition. The unknown. It’s uncomfortable but it’s worth discovering the raw definition of NEW beginnings.

When you are in transition, you are asked the same questions over and over, as we all know so well. Some days I feel I am content with responding to the “What are you doing in life?” question with a simple…”I don’t know, but I’m learning to trust God deeper!”. On other days there is a small panic followed by a lack of enthusiasm as I try to fill in the blank to suppress my own unknowing.  It is these moments that help me to observe what is really happening deep within.

We are constantly changing and seeking things that are true or things that are counterfeit. Some of us change depending on our diets, how much we want transformation, what we read, what we listen to, what we watch, how we rest, what we are running from and/or towards. We are constantly changing whether for good or not so good and new ways of thinking are always possible.

I am finding that sometimes my speech and the speech of those I journey with don’t always reflect or mirror the change or NEW happening within. Maybe we haven’t stopped to realize the change and we respond in auto-pilot. Or maybe we keep playing old tapes, old speeches to the same questions when really something new is happening.

Is there a person you have known for some time and you almost know how they are going to answer certain questions or what song they are about to start singing because someone said that one word. It could be a family member, a best friend or a spouse. Are there times you hear them sell themselves short or answer a question in a way that doesn’t truly reflect who they are today? Maybe they shorten the response based on some sort of fear, or they hit an automated response that does the job but doesn’t do justice to who they are or who they are becoming.

And how about you? What questions do you keep answering on repeat about who you are or where you are in life that don’t align with the new that has been developing in you?

It may not seem like a big deal, but the danger is if we keep responding from places of old we are keeping the old patterns alive. If we stop, pause, and realize the wild beauty that is growing within and be honest with where we are in life…I believe we make room for the NEW to take root. We will respond with honesty and leave space for our communication to change as we speak with hope instead of blocking the transition from transforming us.

It’s a good thing to clear out the archives of our old responses and truly speak from the heart.  And sometimes that sounds like “I don’t know, but I am trusting God deeper” and sometimes it sounds like new vision, or confidence in yourself, or being real about your pain. It is in that place, where you can heal, grow, and clear the table to make room for the NEW. It’s time for new words and new responses. Who you are becoming is worth it!

When I was young, we often hosted big dinner parties. My mom and I would carry these huge purple bins full of my grandmother’s silver from the basement to our dining room. We had candelabras, serving trays and all the cutlery. I would spend most of the afternoon shining each and every piece to prepare for the evening. When it came time to set the table, my mom would bring out the fine china and once again teach me how to properly set the table as though we were dining with the Queen herself. The napkins were pristinely folded, the classical jazz CD was spinning, and the candles were lit. The magic would begin.

As guests would arrive little by little, we would gather in the kitchen chatting, serving drinks and adding the last bit of seasoning to the dish. I would be the runner from the kitchen to the dining room placing the dishes around the table making sure there were not one, but two butter plates and salt and pepper at each end. The warm bread rolls topped off a well prepared evening.

The night would continue with saying grace, the sharing of the food, the comments of how scrumptious everything was, followed by laughter and quality conversation. We would eventually transition to the living room for tea and a dessert and often we would play a game of charades or Skipbo. The hectic hours and hard work leading up to the dinner was always well worth it!

I now find myself, almost 20 years later, with my own table and dishes and roommates and guests. The story looks similar, minus the silver and china, but insert wine bottles as candle holders and IKEA plates. A lot has changed, but I grew up with this instinctual family gift of hospitality that creates an atmosphere for people to be free and enjoy themselves. I have spent the last 8 years hosting hundreds of people from around the world, from New Zealand to Poland to India. My home in Spain has been an unofficial bed and breakfast since 2011!

Many of us spend hours cleaning and prepping to receive guests. I have found that the secret to hospitality is not about the stage you set or the hours of planning, instead, it is first and foremost about your genuine love for people.

 

The core of hospitality is and has always been about love.

It is not centered around excellence of service, atmosphere, and food (although I am passionate about these things); rather the core is the guests and your belief about people no matter their background. Our desire to care for someone will result in an expression of excellent hospitality and that is where our guests can let their hair down and lean into love. That is why I want to bring my creativity in cooking, lighting, and positioning of furniture. I want to set up an atmosphere where people can be present and for an evening, drop the baggage they have been caring at the door and rest, laugh, and walk away feeling loved.

“But entertaining isn’t a sport or a competition. It’s an act of love, if you let it be. You can twist it and turn it into anything you want—a way to show off your house, a way to compete with your friends, a way to earn love and approval. Or you can decide that every time you open your door, it’s an act of love, not performance or competition or striving. You can decide that every time people gather around your table, your goal is nourishment, not neurotic proving. You can decide.”

― Shauna Niequist, Bread and Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes

 

I want to end with a story that took place while visiting a dear friend, chef, and all around fabulous man, Herman Hann from Holland. This time I was the guest taking notes. He prepared one the best filets of salmon I have ever tasted. Once we were finished, he started to prepare the next course…(did I mention it was a 4-course meal). I quickly jumped up to start washing the first round of dishes. He immediately stopped me and in a very blunt Dutch manner said “Tara, why would you wash the dishes while we are together? Sit! and let’s enjoy one another’s company.” Of course, I replied “Oh, no problem, I am happy to do this!” and then I quickly realized it wasn’t about efficiency or helping out. My help was actually taking away from our time together. That moment with Herman shifted something within me.

I have now learned while hosting, it is better to be present and not remain a “busy” host. This is one way for me to love the person right in front of me.

There are times when we are all in the kitchen doing dishes and having great conversations. But I learned something that day, as a guest, and it wasn’t about paying back or helping in any way, but as a host, it was about being present and waiting to do the clean-up later.

We were able to just be and not worry about the perfection of the evening. It was really just about being together and enjoying the atmosphere my friend had created. It was enough. I felt loved. I have come to realize, through everything I learned from my family and from my years of hosting and being hosted, that love is the core and then let the expression of hospitality grow from that place.

“Stay on good terms with each other, held together by love. Be ready with a meal or a bed when it’s needed. Why, some have extended hospitality to angels without ever knowing it!” Hebrews 13:2 (MSG)

Ding dong…

I hear the pitter patter of the kids running to the window to see who is there. The dog chases shortly after while knocking down one or both of the kids. I hear my friend yell through the door, “be right there…honey, can you get the kids?”

The door opens and my friend is balancing a kid in one arm and an Elsa doll in the other. She is wearing her comfy workout clothes, hair up, looking slightly exhausted but overjoyed because we haven’t seen each other in some time.

It is afternoon. The kids have already had their naps and it is that time when wildness meets worn-out. It is that peak hour right before dinner when the kids don’t know if they need food, the trampoline, or a long night’s rest. According to some parents, it is pure mayhem.

Dinner is prepared during the chaos with little to major damage control. The plastic colored plates lined up and the food is dispersed and served. Not too hot, not too cold. A lot of the food ends up in their mouths and a lot ends up being the leftovers for the vacuum…a.k.a the dog.

Now it is bedtime. If it is bath night, let the bubbles begin. Then PJs, brushing their teeth, nursing, story-time, rocking, singing, shushing, bouncing, sound machines, night-lights, praying…whatever it takes for the sleeping to set in and for the kids to feel loved. Then my friend shuffles out noticing the trail of mess from toys, to little shoes, to dinner dishes. She can’t quite tell if she needs to wind down with a cup of tea or a stiff cocktail. Either way, to me, she is a superhero.

 

To The Young Moms,

I want to write you a note as The “Honorary Auntie” you have invited me to be. I want you to know what is seen from someone who is not yet a mom. You are teaching me what it truly looks like to sacrifice for the sake of love. I have no doubt each of you would take a bullet for your little ones.  You want the best for them. You are willing to stay up late reading blogs and books to learn about foods, birthing, helping them sleep, etc.

You want them to be free. You want them to be fully who they were created to be. I love the names you have chosen… names that call out something greater in them before they are even born. Names like Ember, Harper, Caleb, and Josiah.

I have watched some of you grieve the loss of a miscarriage and yet still find hope in the next season as you overcome utter fear, doubt, and worry.

In your hustle as a mom, some of you even show up for full-time jobs or raise your child as a single parent. You rarely complain and your dreams now include a moment of silence while finishing a cup of hot coffee at the same time. Life has extremely changed for you since you were without kids. Some of you may not even remember what life was like before. Can you see why I think you are the heroes of the world? Don’t get me wrong— I love the fathers immensely, but this letter is to the moms. You care and believe in the next generation like no other. They are your offspring and you are doing the best you can. I am inspired by your bravery to raise little humans and to love them into their fullness.

So I say in all the grace that has come upon you as a mom, grant yourself the same grace. You love so well and are doing what you can do! You are learning as you go as every mom has in the history of this planet. You have a grace to not sleep that much or to remember way too many details. Even when you forget your kid at school, it’s okay. We are still human whether we are a mom or not.

Trust your gut more and more. You know what your kid needs and doesn’t need. It may not look like the Jones down the street, but that is okay. You are your own family. You are creating a different legacy. You are the parent and they are a kid. They need your guidance and discipline.

Keep taking your kids on adventures and travels.  They thrive outside, learning about bugs, making mud soup, and playing in the ocean. They love seeing you enjoy life too. Watch them in other cultures and learn from them. They have an innocence in the way they see people. But if the travel doesn’t come until a later time, don’t worry…they love the backyard just the same!

If you are married, take a date night. Take a date night often, even if the kids are young. The connection and romance with your husband is vital to your family functioning well. The kids are learning about love through that connection. Keep it alive. Babysitters are worth it. Heck, I’ll watch your kids. I probably sound quite naive in even suggesting this but I’ve seen it done. And if its a season its too hard, no shame! Go when you can!

Remember you are more than a mom. You are wild and free. Independent with passions and dreams. Take a moment for yourself and kill the thought that it is selfish (easier said than done). You are worth those moments. You will recharge, gain perspective, and find lightness again in mothering. When my friends who are mothers do this, something shifts in them and the family. They remember who they are again. You are still God’s daughter and he has moments just for you.

And thank you for letting me be a part of your family unit. Thank you for taking the time to hear my worries and fears of life and sit with me when you only had 4 hours of sleep. Thank you for letting me in on story time and even sometimes getting a babysitter so we can have an uninterrupted time together. I love both being with family and going deeper in the quiet moments. I am finding we need those no matter what stage of life we are in. You encourage me in my dreams and somehow make a space for me in your life. To me, you are a superhero! Keep doing what you are doing and know it is inspiring so many. Don’t doubt it for a second!

 

Love,

The Honorary Auntie Tara

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Where ever you go, there you are”

I am 45 minutes from downtown San Diego. I’m aboard the Amtrak train, seated on the second level mesmerized by the sunset. It’s my last stop on my month and a half west coast road trip. I started in Seattle and have been making my way down with rental cars and trains passing through some of the greatest cities America has to offer.

The trip was designed for much-needed rest. I wanted to reconnect with my closest friends and family along the way. I had set the stage for deep refreshment and I was hoping to keep most anxious thoughts at bay in the midst of my life completely changing. In certain transitions of my life, my mom used to tell me “wherever you go, there you are”. That statement always seemed so obvious. I would just roll my eyes forgetting to find revelation in the simplicity. 

I can remember a specific day in February when I was hiking in a national park in central California watching the untouched rugged waves crash up against jagged cliffs. I didn’t know it could be this beautiful. The moment was a dream. It was going really well until I realized the expectations I had brought with me. I realized the pressure I had put on my relationship with God and the types of conversations I was hoping for. I realized as much as I loved to chill and rest, I am terribly uncomfortable in transition and the “figuring out what to do next”. I started to get into my head. 

My day wasn’t ruined because it took some time to wind down but my inner critic started toying with me. “Here we are Tara, in one of the most beautiful places in the world with anxious thoughts…awesome!” It was a moment where all the things I wanted answers to were surfacing. Sound familiar? Frustrations started to creep up once again to steal my bliss.  It was a moment I become a student of no judgment. It was a moment where I came face to face with Grace once again.

And I told myself it was ok that I felt this way.

I started to sing to transition the moment.  

The truth is wherever you go, there you are. 

The truth is its ok to be not ok in the midst of a seamlessly perfect moment.

The truth is pressure is real but Grace can move in and change everything. It can give you a break. 

The truth is you can be completely present being uncomfortable and accepting my journey.

 

I am being faced with some bigger questions once again in my life and not finding the answers. For a while, I am ok with no answers but after a time I get fed up like a small kid in the back of the car saying…”ok fam, for real this time, are we there yet?”.

I am coming to discover being uncomfortable is not the enemy but a season that we get to lean into something greater than ourselves. Being uncomfortable is just that…uncomfortable. (Now I am starting to sound like my mom.) It is something we want to exit as soon as possible and want to fix our way out of but once again “wherever you go, there you are”. Is there anything you need to accept that would allow you to be right where you are?

We can’t run. The grass isn’t always greener (except in Ireland…literally). My road trip was epic but being in transition is chaotic and it just is what it is. And I get to embrace that, get real and not judge myself. I get to invite God in on the conversation and not rush out of the season. I am right where I need to be, and with a lot more perspective.