Infertility

On July 25, 1978 Louise Brown, the first IVF baby was born in Great Britain. Since then, more than 8 million babies have been born worldwide via IVF. 

IVF is the process of combining a woman’s eggs with a man’s sperm in a lab, growing that embryo for 3-5 days, and then inserting it back into the woman’s uterus. 

1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility and with some medical conditions, IVF is the only way to conceive a child. Many people don’t understand IVF, so I’m here to debunk 5 myths of IVF and tell you what really happens.

 

1. Belief: It’s just a physical procedure 

Truth: It’s also an emotional procedure 

While this is a medical procedure, the emotional and mental part of IVF is worse in my opinion. First off, you’re mixing medications and then injecting them into yourself several times per day.  For many women, the additional hormones can take them on an emotional rollercoaster. There’s also added pressure, as many couples can only afford one cycle and this is their last chance at having a child naturally.

 

2. Belief: Infertility is not a medical condition 

Truth: Most infertility cases stem from a medical issue with the reproductive system 

In 2017, the World Health Organization officially recognized infertility as a disease. Many women who can’t conceive have an underlying medical condition like endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome, blocked tubes, or an irregular uterus.

 

3. Belief: It’s always an issue with the woman 

Truth: 40-50% of men have male factor infertility 

Men can exhibit one or a combination of low sperm concentration, poor sperm motility (movement), or abnormal morphology (shape). This can cause the egg to not be fertilized in the woman’s body and there is an IVF component called ICSI, where one sperm is directly inserted into one egg to help overcome this.

 

4. Belief: Insurance covers the cost 

Truth: Only 13 states have mandated infertility coverage

The average cost of an IVF cycle is $15,000 and can go up to $25,000 or $30,000 depending on the type of treatment needed. Many women will need more than one cycle to conceive one child, and will undergo additional cycles for their second and third child. While some insurance companies will cover tests related to the diagnosis, the treatments are not covered in America. 13 states mandate that companies over 50 offer infertility coverage, but that doesn’t necessarily mean IVF.

 

5. Belief: IVF always works 

Truth: The average success rate is 39.6% 

While IVF is the best chance for couples with infertility challenges to conceive (besides a miracle), the average cycle per IVF transfer is only 39.6%. That number drops to 11.5% for women over 40. Imagine spending $15,000, injecting yourself with medications for weeks, undergoing surgery, and then finding out it didn’t work.

On the menu of life, one can find an array of items to choose from— joy, peace, laughter, adventure…you name it. While those choices sound appetizing, life can also offer many unsavory items— fear, pain, heartbreak, disappointment, etc.

With so many items to choose from, I’ve come to recognize the importance of not losing hope even in the most disappointing circumstances.

The dictionary defines disappointment as “the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the unfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.” So, naturally, disappointment can leave any of us feeling sad, regretful, angry or hopeless. And given the climate in our country today, coupled with our own personal trials, it is not surprising many women are experiencing a multitude of emotions associated with disappointment.

Two weeks ago was National Infertility Awareness Week. During that same week, I suffered a miscarriage with my first child. At 10 weeks. The irony of my “awareness” did not escape me.

Before I got pregnant, I was in an “if it happens then it happens, and if it doesn’t…that’s ok too” mindset.  So when I discovered I was pregnant, there was a sense of guilt I carried. Knowing so many friends and loved ones who longed to hear such news, and may never, seemed so unfair to me. While I was so thankful, I did not carry the same depth of longing and now I was about to have a child of my own.

And then the unthinkable happened. A dream my heart never knew it had, was shattered.

It has only been a couple of weeks and I am learning a lot through the grieving process.

There are many aspects of life that we have a say in, can control, and can take ownership of. And sometimes we can’t. Sometimes things are outside of our control and no matter what we do, it may never change the situation the way we would like.

That is a hard pill to swallow. (And I hate taking pills).

You don’t think it could happen to you until it does. And then it’s like you’re invited into this new world, this secret club that has existed long before you joined. A club of women and families dealing with grief, heartbreak, pain, and disappointment, sometimes over and over again. You don’t want to be in this club. You’d like to turn in your membership card and walk out the door. But you can’t.

If one day you do join this club, know that you are not alone. There are many support systems available that make grieving on your own, a thing of the past.

Also, if you haven’t taken time to read Di’s blog post, check it out. It gives great advice on loving on all “mommas” during this upcoming Mother’s Day.

So, what disappointments are you currently dealing with? Infertility? Failed relationships or lack thereof? Failed career goals? Physical/Mental health issues? Family/Marital issues?  How do you continue to have hope when disappointment has become a close friend? 

There are some things in my life that I do not understand why they happened or why God did not intervene in the way I thought (or knew) He could. There will be things in your life that you may not understand and that may never change. But the truth is God is still good through all of it.

Unfortunately, in life, this truth does not always quench the pain, the longing, or the brokenness right away.  I honestly believe that is why we have seasons. There is a verse in the bible that says, “there is a time for every activity under the sun: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Whether I am in a season of dancing or weeping; the truth of who God is does not change.

I want to encourage you today that despite whatever insurmountable disappointment you may be facing, there is hope. Take the time to grieve and process whatever disappointment you are facing. This time of mourning and weeping will turn to laughter and dancing.

In Proverbs, it says, “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.”  This “good break” may not be in the way you hope or think. But what you can rest assured of, is that it will be good. And your heart will smile in it. God will never leave us in our disappointment. The hope we have in Him is that this is not the end of our story. There is another chapter. That will fill our hearts with gladness. We cannot predict how things will turn out but we can find a reason to rejoice.

Hopefully, one day I will deliver a healthy baby and when that happens, I will say God is good. But I also know He is good even if it never does happen. This understanding has taken some time to accept because I have no idea what my future holds, and if I will experience a long journey of infertility or not. But I still have hope that I will have my own child one day. I also have hope my heart will find joy…even if I don’t.

While the menu of life can offer both appetizing and unsavory items, I am thankful that each day we have an opportunity to order something new.  My prayer for myself and for you is that our disappointed hearts will sing again. So I encourage you to have hope, but don’t deny your emotions. Pay attention to them. Feel what you feel. And when joy knocks at the door of your heart, in whatever way it chooses, I hope you will let it in.

As I approach my fourth Mother’s Day since finding out about our infertility issues, I’m finding that the day doesn’t really get easier.

This week is national infertility awareness week. The CDC estimates that 1 in 8 couples, or 6.1 million women in the U.S. struggle with infertility. There’s a good chance many of those women are sitting in the pews next to you and you don’t even know it.

Church has been especially rough for me on this day. We all know the drill. The pastor asks the mother’s to stand, they’re given flowers, applause, and the sermon is dedicated to them. At some churches the fathers cook breakfast, kids make cards in Sunday school, and decorations about mom abound. It must be glorious to be a mom on that day.

When the pastor says “will all the mothers stand,” here’s what goes through my head:

Well, I have two children but they’re both in heaven so do I stand? If I stand, people will know I don’t have any living children and ask questions. Or worse, they’ll ask if I’m pregnant, which is really upsetting. If I don’t stand do I not believe my children were real even know they were only with me for a short time? Do only mother’s with living children stand?

The thought alone makes me cry because I would love for my children to be on earth right now.

The last few years I’ve actually skipped church on Mother’s Day. While I’m happy for the moms to get their day, it’s really just awful for me.

I’ve come to realize that this day is not only hard for women dealing with infertility and miscarriage, it’s also hard for people who have lost their moms, or didn’t have a mom at all. Churches will try to compensate by praying for those who are waiting, or giving them a white flower. While I applaud their good intentions, to me, that’s even worse than doing nothing at all. I can think of nothing more embarrassing than walking up front and get a consolation prize in front of the congregation. How about doing that on national infertility awareness week instead of making them sit through a Mother’s Day service to get prayed for.

I completely understand that the church can’t cater to everyone, all the time. I don’t expect them to. They should find a way to honor the mothers. I don’t go to church on Mother’s Day anymore, but there are a lot of women who do, so here are a few things you can do to comfort those who might be mourning on that day.

1. While it might be tempting to ask all the women in your life when they will be having babies, this is the worst day to ask them. It is so difficult to know who is struggling to get pregnant and bringing it up on mother’s day is just too hard for someone on an infertility journey.
2. When people don’t know what to say, they often offer stories from their friends. My friend tried for three years and then it happened naturally. I bet yours is just around the corner. The reality is for many women it doesn’t happen and their medical situation may not physically allow them to have biological children.
3. I’ve had people tell me things about “God’s timing” and “God’s will” more than I can count. It’s better to tell them you’re praying for them and actually do it.
4. Do something nice for her the week before Mother’s Day. You can bring her dinner, flowers, or a card the week before, and let her know you’re thinking about her with the day coming up.

If you’re struggling to get or stay pregnant, you’re not alone. Please take time to grieve and work through your emotions. And it’s okay to stay in your pajamas, drink wine, and take a day to relax 😀