Reflection

All my single ladies…

First, before anyone gets their panties all up in a bunch, I ask one thing of you single ladies….will you hear me out for this blog? I honor and respect you all, so please hear me out. And second, I’m talking to myself just as much, if not more than any other single ladies.

We live in a time where we as females have walked through the “door of having a voice,” which is amazing and I am so, so, so for it! Now, I believe it’s time to rest in that. I believe now that we are “through that door,” (even though there may be “hallways” before we actually enter the room) it’s time for us as females to become females again. We have barged our way (rightly so) into having a voice, and now let’s have a feminine voice.

As a single lady myself, I have come to the realization that I have been leading with some masculine energy. Wait, what?  Hold up my single ladies…let me explain. The “male energy/persona” is biologically asking to be respected. The “female energy/persona” is biologically asking to be cherished. This doesn’t mean the other can’t be respected or cherished. What it means is that opposites attract, so if I continue to lead in this way— being “boss babe,” trying to prove my ability, pursuing a man, trying to prove I can do it without him, etc, then the masculine man I WANT will never be attracted to me because I portray that I can do all of life on my own. It says, “I don’t need anyone.” Here’s the thing friends, WE ALL NEED PEOPLE TO MAKE THIS WORLD GO AROUND….THAT IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, RATHER IT IS A SIGN OF WISDOM AND STRENGTH. So why would we think a romantic relationship would be any different?

You might be asking what if I run a company, I’m launching a business, or lead a bunch of male employees? To that I say, be amazing! Be the aggressive leader you are and follow it up with your femininity. AND THEN, when you leave the office, take that hat off and allow a man to cherish you, build a man up with your words and your praise (don’t try to be boss babe), stop trying to bench press more than him, and allow him to get lost in your eyes that say I need you (even though I am whole and complete without you, I still need you).

Here’s the thing— people often say “a man won’t control me. I am in control or I wear the pants in the relationship,” etc. In what world does that sound fun? What if we understood that in order to lead, a leader must have followers. If you want to look at who gives power, it’s actually the people who follow. They have the power. But even further, doesn’t it sound more fun to respect, build-up, and praise in return for safety, security, admiration, and the feeling of being adored and cherished? That sounds good to me and it sounds STRONG on both sides.

So I write this for the single ladies, (mostly ME!) How has that “boss babe” mentality been helping us so far? Are we seeking a strong man and saying with our actions, “we don’t need you?”  News flash, a man wants to be needed and we want to be cherished! So how are we showing up daily, when we are dating, flirting?  Are we blocking the very thing we desire by the sending the wrong message?

I don’t know everything (or close to it), nor do I know where you are at, but I do know I have been sending the very opposite message I ever intended to. What I do know is that I am a world-changer. I am wise, strong, smart, and a powerful woman in the business world. And I also know that my heart yearns to be cherished, adored and secure in the space of a strong, smart, and powerful man who leads, provides (beyond monetary needs) and protects. And even though I can do all of those things on my own, I know I was not created to spend all my energy in that way. I was created to be powerful while being part of that beautiful equation.

This is a BIG topic, I totally understand (and I do not take it lightly), however, I do know that it’s getting harder and harder for single ladies to find relationships they are looking for. So we must step back, look, and try something new. I would love to hear your thoughts beautiful single ladies!! Keep being strong and powerful. Just allow a man to have his rightful space in that as well. It’s not a “both/and” thing, it’s “how do opposites attract to move something forward with powerful momentum?!”  

I’ll leave you with a quote from Beyonce’s SINGLE LADIES, “Pull me into your arms and tell me I am the one you want.”  If that hits your heart in the right spot, ask yourself, how are you showing up today?

Sitting down to write, my mind is already beginning to swirl with everything else I have to do, except for what is in front of me. Distraction is a real, well, distraction… especially in today’s world. Sometimes I wonder if in simpler times one’s mind would be able to be more at rest.

The other evening at dinner, my husband and I were sharing about our days. I told him that sometimes I feel divided in my attention throughout my day as I spend it with our 5-month-old. From time-to-time, as I play with her I’ll find myself on the phone, or responding to a text or quickly doing this or that. Although my daughter is only a baby, when I do that, I am not communicating any value to her. Not only that, but if I was spending time with a friend it would be so rude to be on the phone while ‘being engaged’ in my interactions with them.

As I reflected on my day, trying to verbalize what was happening in my mind, I had an epiphany. I visualized my thought processes. It started with a picture of one big white circle right in front of me. All around it, in my peripheral, there were colorful, sparkly, flashing lights. Although small, they capture my attention quickly from one to another to another. Not only that, but even though the big white circle was the most dominant, I lost focus of it as my eyes went from one glittery flash to the next.

I realized this is totally my mind lately. I try to focus on the obvious priority and then all of a sudden, I think of every single little thing I have to do, should do, could do or didn’t do yet, but should have already be done. This leaves me to accomplish nothing and feeling disengaged and completely exhausted.

This probably does not sound so unfamiliar to you. As a teacher, it’s an evident pattern which I’ve observed in both my middle and high school students. Check the phone, oh, nothing there. Log on to Instagram, oh, what was I going to do? Oh yeah! I need to respond to so and so…it is a million miles an hour these days. Sometimes when listening, despite appearing as though engaged in conversation, our minds are wandering which robs our focus. It can leave us disengaged in our reality and lost in an artificial one.

Even though we may view it as multi-tasking, it often takes away from our relationships and makes us bad listeners. In fact, in one of my grad school courses about how the brain functions, I learned that multitasking is actually just our brain going back and forth between two tasks rather than them happening simultaneously. We’re not wired for it.  

So the question is, how do we keep our focus and prioritize the present and what is actually important? Well, we need to stop giving attention to the constant tug of the sparkly, flashing lights.  It’s as though we need to put our blinders on. They will never actually disappear unless we stop giving our attention to them. The more we cater to distraction the more it will grow and eventually consume us. It takes intentionality and mindfulness.

Since having this revelation, the racing of my mind is slowing down.  That’s not because of happenstance, but rather due to intentionality and focus. When I find myself overwhelmed with the ‘could-have, would-have, should-haves’ I’ve been trying to stop and disconnect from them, all while returning back to what’s most valuable. Trust me, I am in the process and it’s going to take work, but ultimately if I want a heart that’s undivided, I need a mind that is as well.

What are your distractions? How much time do you spend on your phone compared to being with people, being engaged in the reality of the world around you, or spending time with the Lord? Just because your phone beeps or you receive a new notification, does not mean it needs to be given your immediate attention. Re-evaluate your priorities to reality and people in front of you rather than getting lost in the doing or a virtual world. Let me challenge you to put your phone down, set limits on technology, detox your mental to-do list, and refine your priorities.

So far on my journey of refinement in this area, I have realized how much lighter I feel. I am a better wife, mama, and friend as a result. Furthermore, my walk with the Lord has been much more focused and intentional. My texting conversations may be neglected or I may not have responded to all the messages that I have received, but I am present. Some days those dishes are still overflowing in my sink and the house is a bit messy, but I am engaged in relationship with those around me. Rather than being lost in the swirl of unimportant tasks, I have been able to slow down, be still, enjoy the smiles and embrace life.  Through it all, I am learning to savor the beauty of simplicity. As you turn down the noise of distraction, I truly believe you will too.

I will be turning 48 in a few weeks, however, I spend most of my time with young women in the 20’s and 30’s. Most of the time I am mentoring them and giving wisdom from my white-haired existence whenever asked. I spend a lot of time listening and some time praying for them. I find they are all generally looking for hope and encouragement from someone who has already made it to the other side and is still standing and smiling.

It still surprises me how much I absolutely adore my moments with these brilliant young ones. They often think they are infringing on my precious time and are leery to ask for more. The truth is I laugh the hardest in their presence. They are keeping me young. I simply love them, and although most of them are 20 years younger than I am, I value them as some of my closest and most treasured friendships.

I have this burning sense that we are embarking on a fresh and new season for all females on the earth right now. More women than ever are embracing powerful government and political positions. The earth has never seen so many female leaders in business, education, and entrepreneurial endeavors, nor have women ever had a stronger voice or bigger platform for real change.

There is a shift in the spirit and in the earth, and God’s women are rising up!

There is a mandate in scripture that sums up the job of us older women.  

“Guide older women into lives of reverence so they end up as neither gossips nor drunks, but models of goodness. By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior. Also, guide the young men to live disciplined lives.” Titus 2 (The Message)

I urge all older women to rise up and to spend time with the younger women in your circles. Invite them for tea or wine and just listen to their hearts. You were not created to fix them. You were created to love them. It’s not intimidating when you are just being yourself, being vulnerable, sharing your past mistakes and what you learned from them, sharing the times your heart was broken, and showing them that disappointments did not destroy you, but you were simply learning the art of overcoming.

This younger generation, the ones that are always getting fingers waved in their face, the ones always being criticized for the way WE raised them, the ones being put down for thinking differently than we do, need hope, guidance, and the understanding that they are different. They are brilliant!

They are gifted, creative, love community, crave adventure and experiences. They love face to face time with someone that values what they think and feel.  

This generation, the one younger than me, often struggles with knowing how to deal with pain and failure. They’re sometimes full of fear, anxiety, and depression. I’ll be damned if I just walk by and leave them in it, without reaching out and reassuring that God did not create them to stay in those places. I would rather adjust my own life and time to show them how to bring God into the shame and hurt and let Him heal it at the core.

We have to rise up as the mothers of the land and call our daughters into their greatness. They, in turn, have to wake up from their slumber. They were not created to fumble through life unsure of what they were even created for, frozen in fear, and stifled by anxiety.

You don’t need to be a professional counselor or have a degree in theology to change the life of a beautiful young soul. Just listen to their hearts, fears, and questions. You will find their struggles are not that different from the ones you have already walked through, and when you start talking, your mouth will be filled with wisdom you might not know you possess.

The young single ones want to know if there will be a man that will pursue and love them— just tell them your story of waiting and wondering as well. Tell them how a man won’t save them or complete them, but a covenant with a truly good man requires the heart of an exceptional woman who knows her value, and conducts herself as a woman worthy of deep respect, by the way she speaks, acts, and prays. Tell her she will attract a man that is as emotionally healthy as she is, to never stop humbling herself, and to never stop embracing being female, with all the beauty, curves, and strength that make being female irresistible to good men.

The young ones who are trying to have a family want to know that God sees them. Tell them your story of becoming a mother through adoption, being a stepmother, or struggling with years of infertility. Cry with them, and give them hope that becoming a mommy may not always come the way they thought, but it will come.

The young women that are spending their days wiping little mouths, little butts, and countertops, need you to tell them the truth— that having little babies is the most physically exhausting season in a woman’s life. They need to hear your stories about how you miss the cuddles and the snuggles, but you love sleeping through the night, not constantly stepping on an unseen lego, or changing diapers in airplane bathrooms. Tell them how every season in motherhood is absurd and wonderful, and every season ends, as a new one opens with different challenges and new joy.

We older women need to rise up and embrace our own season that contains a little bit of knowledge, and some incredibly valuable wisdom.  All we have to do is open our mouths and our arms, and they will both be filled. I promise.

These young women in their 20’s and 30’s have taught me so much, brought me so much joy, and have been so faithful in my own times of grief and heartbreak.  They keep me young, and they keep me laughing— at myself, at life, and at the amazement of being born female.

We are commanded to rise up as mothers to all the daughters. They need us and we desperately need them. Watching their eyes being opened, their hearts being healed, and their disappointments being replaced with hope is one of the greatest joys we can experience on earth.

Start with a cup of tea, two listening ears, a heart full of love and some truth filled with hope, and just watch what happens.

Birthdays often make you think about the future. I am turning 33 soon and the inevitable thoughts about aging are starting to pop up. But nothing makes you think about getting old quite like being around old people.

My grandmother is a joy-filled 99-year-old firecracker who probably has more friends than I do. She is a social butterfly who is always looking forward to an occasion when she is able to wear one of those skirt suits, even if the occasion these days is, more often than not, a funeral. She is feisty and still pretty sharp. Just last week she beat my mother and me in a game of Phase Ten and we were definitely not trying to let her win. She is quite amazing for being almost a century old. 

Like any elderly person, she can be stuck in ways. Without throwing my wonderful 99-year-old grandmother under the bus, I’ll just say that there are qualities I love about her and qualities that I do not wish to possess when I am her age. 

So how do I become the 99-year-old lady that I want to be? I start now. The person that I want to be in 66 years starts today. Heck, the person I want to be tomorrow starts today! And not just who I want to be for me, but who I want to be for my family and friends, who I want to be as a wife, and even who I want to be as a mother. 

I have been blessed with a great family and awesome friends. However, the husband and kids are still in the “praying for” stages. But that shouldn’t stop me from wanting to be the best wife and mother I can be and working towards those characteristics now. 

Ask yourself, what kind of an old person do you want to be? The type that everyone loves visiting? The one that listens well? The kind that shares wisdom or the type that people avoid? The one that is known for being crotchety and grumpy? The miserable sort that complains about everything? The type that is plagued with bitterness and cynicism?

Decide who you want to be now and begin that journey.

I have decided that I want to be the kind of old person that shares stories out of wisdom. That means that I need to get better at sharing my story NOW. I need to be more vulnerable with the hardships in life and not shake off the difficult moments by turning up the music and dancing in the kitchen (although that can be a great remedy at times, I don’t recommend it for all occasions). I want to open up to others when I’m still in process and not only once I’ve figured things out on my own. 

I want my kids to know that their creative dreams matter. That means that I need to show them by example and start living out my creative dreams NOW. I want to pursue art. I want to be an artist. And I cannot wait until the day when I say that and it feels real and not like a silly statement. 

I want my children to know that they are loved. But I have to model that by first knowing that I am loved NOW and diving into what it truly means to be created by a loving God who wants nothing more than to love me. 

I want to be a caring wife who is slow to anger and quick to forgive. I can practice all of that NOW. I may not be married yet, but there are plenty of people in my life that I can be caring towards and plenty of moments when I can stretch my muscles of being slow to anger and quick to forgive. 

I want to live until my body gives out peacefully in my sleep (don’t we all wish that!). To do that I need to be healthy NOW. Which means fewer cookies and more vegetables, less sleeping in and more early morning walks, and since I live in Spain, probably a bit less Spanish wine. 

At my funeral, I want people to talk about how they have never met anyone as peaceful and joyful as Shanda _________ (come on husband with a new last name!) I am a naturally peaceful and joyful person, but even in the areas that we are naturally gifted, there is still room for growth. 

I want people to see me as a woman of faith and thankfulness — a woman who trusts God’s voice and jumps headfirst into the unknowns, a woman that thanks God for the little things and rejoices easily at His provision. Those start NOW!

If you want to be known as the sweet patient old lady, start being sweet and patient now. If you want to be the understanding and supportive wife, find friends to understand and support now. If you want to be the mom that throws the best birthday parties, start throwing some awesome dinner parties right now. The practice for who you want to be starts NOW.

To put it simply, if I want to lift 100 pounds, that doesn’t happen in one try. It takes time and repetition. It starts with little weights and works its way up as my muscles get stronger. What muscles do you want to be known for later on in life?

If you’re around in 66 years when I am 99, please come visit me. I hope to be alive and well, telling stories on a front porch somewhere surrounded by a cloud of peace and joy as my husband, children and grandchildren gather around to listen to my stories of living a life of creativity, faith, and love. And if all goes well with my workout plan, I might still be able to play a game of badminton in the front yard. 

Ding dong…

I hear the pitter patter of the kids running to the window to see who is there. The dog chases shortly after while knocking down one or both of the kids. I hear my friend yell through the door, “be right there…honey, can you get the kids?”

The door opens and my friend is balancing a kid in one arm and an Elsa doll in the other. She is wearing her comfy workout clothes, hair up, looking slightly exhausted but overjoyed because we haven’t seen each other in some time.

It is afternoon. The kids have already had their naps and it is that time when wildness meets worn-out. It is that peak hour right before dinner when the kids don’t know if they need food, the trampoline, or a long night’s rest. According to some parents, it is pure mayhem.

Dinner is prepared during the chaos with little to major damage control. The plastic colored plates lined up and the food is dispersed and served. Not too hot, not too cold. A lot of the food ends up in their mouths and a lot ends up being the leftovers for the vacuum…a.k.a the dog.

Now it is bedtime. If it is bath night, let the bubbles begin. Then PJs, brushing their teeth, nursing, story-time, rocking, singing, shushing, bouncing, sound machines, night-lights, praying…whatever it takes for the sleeping to set in and for the kids to feel loved. Then my friend shuffles out noticing the trail of mess from toys, to little shoes, to dinner dishes. She can’t quite tell if she needs to wind down with a cup of tea or a stiff cocktail. Either way, to me, she is a superhero.

 

To The Young Moms,

I want to write you a note as The “Honorary Auntie” you have invited me to be. I want you to know what is seen from someone who is not yet a mom. You are teaching me what it truly looks like to sacrifice for the sake of love. I have no doubt each of you would take a bullet for your little ones.  You want the best for them. You are willing to stay up late reading blogs and books to learn about foods, birthing, helping them sleep, etc.

You want them to be free. You want them to be fully who they were created to be. I love the names you have chosen… names that call out something greater in them before they are even born. Names like Ember, Harper, Caleb, and Josiah.

I have watched some of you grieve the loss of a miscarriage and yet still find hope in the next season as you overcome utter fear, doubt, and worry.

In your hustle as a mom, some of you even show up for full-time jobs or raise your child as a single parent. You rarely complain and your dreams now include a moment of silence while finishing a cup of hot coffee at the same time. Life has extremely changed for you since you were without kids. Some of you may not even remember what life was like before. Can you see why I think you are the heroes of the world? Don’t get me wrong— I love the fathers immensely, but this letter is to the moms. You care and believe in the next generation like no other. They are your offspring and you are doing the best you can. I am inspired by your bravery to raise little humans and to love them into their fullness.

So I say in all the grace that has come upon you as a mom, grant yourself the same grace. You love so well and are doing what you can do! You are learning as you go as every mom has in the history of this planet. You have a grace to not sleep that much or to remember way too many details. Even when you forget your kid at school, it’s okay. We are still human whether we are a mom or not.

Trust your gut more and more. You know what your kid needs and doesn’t need. It may not look like the Jones down the street, but that is okay. You are your own family. You are creating a different legacy. You are the parent and they are a kid. They need your guidance and discipline.

Keep taking your kids on adventures and travels.  They thrive outside, learning about bugs, making mud soup, and playing in the ocean. They love seeing you enjoy life too. Watch them in other cultures and learn from them. They have an innocence in the way they see people. But if the travel doesn’t come until a later time, don’t worry…they love the backyard just the same!

If you are married, take a date night. Take a date night often, even if the kids are young. The connection and romance with your husband is vital to your family functioning well. The kids are learning about love through that connection. Keep it alive. Babysitters are worth it. Heck, I’ll watch your kids. I probably sound quite naive in even suggesting this but I’ve seen it done. And if its a season its too hard, no shame! Go when you can!

Remember you are more than a mom. You are wild and free. Independent with passions and dreams. Take a moment for yourself and kill the thought that it is selfish (easier said than done). You are worth those moments. You will recharge, gain perspective, and find lightness again in mothering. When my friends who are mothers do this, something shifts in them and the family. They remember who they are again. You are still God’s daughter and he has moments just for you.

And thank you for letting me be a part of your family unit. Thank you for taking the time to hear my worries and fears of life and sit with me when you only had 4 hours of sleep. Thank you for letting me in on story time and even sometimes getting a babysitter so we can have an uninterrupted time together. I love both being with family and going deeper in the quiet moments. I am finding we need those no matter what stage of life we are in. You encourage me in my dreams and somehow make a space for me in your life. To me, you are a superhero! Keep doing what you are doing and know it is inspiring so many. Don’t doubt it for a second!

 

Love,

The Honorary Auntie Tara

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every day people come to me with great ideas. Whether it be lose weight, get stronger, change jobs, better relationships, get their life straight, change their mindset, ETC.  You see, they actually think they are committed to this “new idea.” Their interest is peaked and suddenly they believe they are committed. But far too often they are confused about what the true meaning of being committed really is and mistake it for being interested.

I’ll never forget when my brother was telling me about his premarital counseling years ago.  He said his mentor was trying to break them up. Now before your jaw drops, hear me out. Truly, this is brilliant.  You see, if they were able to be broken up in the honeymoon stage, you better believe that when life really hit, that foundation would not be strong enough.  He was making sure they were committed and not just interested.

So when my clients approach me, I challenge them to a level they have never been to.  You see, I fight for my clients to win in life, I believe for their freedom, I study and spend 1000’s of dollars to provide them with tools to become the best version of them, but I am not about to go through all of that for someone who is merely interested. I need committed!

So I pose the question, are you interested or committed?  About your relationships, career, faith, sports, financial success, etc?  Where in life are you not seeing results? Ask yourself honestly, are you committed or merely interested? 

I’d like to share one thing with you.  Success will never come from being interested, it comes from being committed. When we are committed we create goals. We visualize. We do today what we want tomorrow. We create habits that produce life and we stick to them.  Here’s a great little tip— your direction in life is directly connected to your habits. What habits do you have? They will determine your direction.

Often I hear, so where do I start?!?!?!  It sounds so hard!!! Well, it starts with accountability people.  If you don’t have someone in your life that will guide you, speak truth to you and hold you accountable to your GREATNESS, sorry, it’s not going to happen…we are human.  You will find out if you are interested or committed real quick when you have the beautiful gift of accountability in your life.

Ok, I know that was a little intense, but hear me out one more time.  Beautiful, you are worth it, you are called to greatness and you have a gift to share with this world.  Believe it, trust it, and honor it, because you are a mighty woman with a mighty call on your life. Go next level, surpass being interested in life, and be committed, I believe in you!

I was driving on the highway on the way to my daughter’s four-month appointment. My mind was swirling; anticipating how she would scream when she got her shots and worrying if she had gained enough weight this month.  After entertaining my anxiousness for a moment, I caught myself. This isn’t where I want my mind to live nor does it have to be my perception. Only the Lord can pull me out of the dark shadows that are cast upon my mind. Searching for truth, I began to pray.

Cruising down the highway at 65, proud that I was actually going to arrive on time, I met with God. Meeting with Him always looks different, but the outcome is the same; bringing peace, and renewing of my mind. This time it looked really different.  The Lord took me to another place. I was in a sea of icebergs. It was cold, and I was alone there. I watched myself climb upon an iceberg, until it could no longer sustain me. I’d fall back into the icy water until the next one came along that I could climb upon again. I did this several times over with the end result being me falling back into the freezing water. Soon enough I saw a ship, the size of the Titanic and I felt the Lord speak to me, “climb up, climb into the boat.” When He said that, I felt drowned by peace. The icebergs were no longer my focus, instead it shifted my focus to the boat which brought hope. I snapped back out of the vision as a white car cruised by me. Their license plate caught my eye. It read “CLIMB UP.”

Reflecting on all of this spoke to so many facets of my life beyond the anticipation of the appointment.  Too often I am finding my security only in the reality of what I can see.  That’s when I am on the icebergs. However, the moment that even a glimpse of fear or a hint of worry drops in, I am back in the water. It’s the same with comparison, I am good for little bit, but then I compare myself to someone else and I fall in again.  I jump back upon another iceberg with excitement, but then I don’t feel good enough… Do you see the pattern?  These thought processes do not bring me hope. The icebergs only bring temporary security to destination nowhere. They compromise my self-worth and steal my value.

I need a hope that’s constant and consistent. No matter how hard I try, fear, worry, comparison, inadequacy will continue to break me over and over and over again if I allow my thoughts to live in those places. What do I need? My mind needs to be constantly renewed. That is my revelation. I need that boat. I need God. He is safe. He secures me. He sees value in me and does not compare me to anyone else. He placed me on the earth with purpose and greatness in which He has prepared just for me. Those facts are no different for you.

“For never before in story or rhyme (not even once up a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again…” On the Night You Were Born, Nancy Tillman

That climb up the boat is one step further from what shakes us and one step closer to becoming who God created us to be. Most importantly it brings us into deeper communion with The Lord. There is no greater anchor to our soul than finding ourselves in God. Only He can protect us.  On that boat, the icebergs get trampled (unless it’s the Titanic 😉 ), but in all seriousness, nothing else matters except that we are on the boat. It’s a representation that we are with God. Everything else fades away when we are with him. Our swirling minds are calm, and the prison of comparison that we lock ourselves into is open. Fear has no place!

Spend some time in reflection: Where are you in your mind and thought patterns? Are you on an iceberg or on the boat or are you in the icy water just looking for something to grab onto? What causes you to fall back into the water?  Is your mind in a place of constant renewal? If not, how do you get there? If so, how do you stay there? I pray you can see the boat and CLIMB UP.

What stirs at the mention of “self-care”? What pictures come to mind? The concept of self-care is presently all over social media, specifically targeted toward women. Go to a women’s retreat, and it will likely be in the headline of a breakout session. Listen in on a group of moms and you may find them lamenting over the absence of self-care or the determination to “do better”. It is a buzz word in the women’s community at large, but why? And to what purpose?

The dictionary describes self-care as “the regular practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being”.

Let’s break down this definition a little bit. The “regular practice” of self-care implies this isn’t a haphazard thing to be pursued at leisure and when time readily permits. Rather, it suggests self-care is a discipline. This practice needs to be woven into the very fabric of our everyday lives. It requires us to take an “active role” in refilling ourselves that we might pour into the things bringing meaning and purpose to our lives. When self-care invokes emotions of frustration and begins an inward dialogue telling me it is out of reach, I realize I have set other things as a higher priority rather than operate from a spirit of intention and discipline.

I love the inclusion of the word “protecting” in the definition of self-care. It reminds me first that self-care has an inherit value and therefore my well-being is worth the fight. Part of protecting self-care is enforcing boundaries. It feels as if there is a voice whispering to women that we have to do it all, all the time, and with perfection. Do you hear it? Giving into that voice seems easier than the vulnerability and effort of a “no”, but continually saying “yes” comes at a great price. Each time we push out an insincere yes, we lose a piece of ourselves in the process.

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others…Only when we believe, deep down, that we are enough can we say “Enough!” Brené Brown

Protecting our well-being also takes a tribe. When an elephant is about to begin labor, her tribe of female elephants will gather around her to protect her from predators as she brings new life into the world. What a beautiful picture of the need we have as women to be protected by each other in our most vulnerable moments. I am so thankful to be tethered to a community of women who challenge me to dig deeper and push forward in becoming the type of woman I want my daughters to follow.

I believe self-care is a common topic in women’s circles because the superficial pursuit of self-care has given women who are thirsty for purpose a hollow “treat” to tie them over. The world often pushes us into the shallow end of self-care. But we were not made for the shallow but for the deep where life is found. If someone wanted to tear down your purpose, wouldn’t distraction be the perfect ploy? Not too obvious but subtle and deceptively nonchalant.

So often the pursuit of self-care brings me to a crossroads: to check out or to press in. I am strongly tempted by the quick fix in this busy, tiring season of young motherhood. The Netflix binge. The wine and chocolate. Buying the new mudcloth pillow I don’t need. There is nothing wrong with these avenues of self-care at times. However, self-care is not just wine and a bubble bath. It is mustering the discipline to press right into the hard. To do the very things which compel us to confront our gravest fears and our greatest limitations. It is digging into the darkest, hardest part of our heart to break free. If you want to see an example of pressing in to gain freedom, look no further than Taryn’s post last month. It is protecting our own well-being to gain the energy and the life we so long to bring to those around us.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” -Brené Brown

I know this seems intense. I know what it is to need a break and a deep breath. There are days when I need to relax and have absolutely no expectations of myself. Times where a latte and shopping trip are in order. When I speak of checking out, I refer more to those aimless, unintentional bouts of life that come and seem to steal pieces of who we are. We set no intention to life, no pursuit of goals and growth and begin drifting into the shallow.

I feel like I am currently pulling myself, my heart, out of a shallow season. Midnight feedings, cold cups of coffee, and keeping my head above water with all of the transition and adjustment that comes from having 3 babies in 5 years made it hard to have the energy to grow. And it’s OK! We all have those seasons in our lives. But if we stay too long, if we put our own growth and well-being on the back burner for too long, we begin to lose sight of ourselves. In this season, I have been drifting. But with His strength, I am slowly, intentionally wading back into the deep one discipline at a time.

For the beauty of walking with God is we only need muster the strength and discipline to invite Him to walk into the hard moments with us. I am learning my own strength only brings weariness and drives me back to the shallow. But pressing into His strength leads to breakthrough. God will meet us there and show us that depth is where life happens. Then we will drink deeply and walk away satisfied.

I’ve always been one to seek end results and not enjoy the journey. I want to know exactly where I’m going, how much it’s going to cost, and what I’ll accomplish at the end. How I get there is not as important as long as I’m doing it with integrity. It’s not completely a terrible trait and it makes me a great event planner and detail-orientated worker. Still, I miss out on life by not living in the moment.

This year my husband and I will be visiting at least 10 National Parks. We’re not the most outdoorsy people you’ll ever meet, but we enjoy hiking; me for the exercise and Nate for the views. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the views, but if I’m already going to sweat, I might as well get my heart rate up.

Last week when we were at Zion National Park in Utah we decided to do a hike called Angel’s Landing. It’s 2.5 miles each way but you go up 1,500 feet in elevation, making it strenuous.

The hike starts off uphill, but fairly easy. After about a mile you hit your first set of switchbacks where you go uphill pretty quickly. The next half mile is breezy. Then you get to “Walter’s Wiggles,” a series of 21 switchbacks straight uphill. I had to stop a couple times, but I could really just see the next turn in front of me, so I focused on getting past that turn.

Then things get a little tricky. The last half mile has chains you must use to hold onto as you walk across the edge of the cliff with 1,000-foot drops on either side. At the top of this section, you see a sign saying 16 people have died on this hike. This is after you’ve hiked uphill for two miles and gained 1,000 feet of elevation.

Again, I could just see the little portion in front of me so I went for it. It was challenging, but I got through the first 200 feet of chains which led us to the top of a giant rock. “This is it,” I thought. “I did it!” About a minute later, I realized we weren’t even close to the top. In front of me was another portion of the mountain that went straight up 500 feet. Imagine rock climbing with chains for 500 feet without a harness.

It’s funny because I was fine using the chains to propel myself up when I couldn’t see where I was going, but as soon as I could see that I had to climb 500 feet, I began to doubt myself. My legs were tired and the possibility of falling 1,000 feet off the cliff was haunting my mind. I could see the entire mountain and it was daunting. Yet, I didn’t have those thoughts when I couldn’t see the climb.

And that’s when it hit me that I’m always striving for knowing what’s next in my life, but if I always knew what was next, I might not be able to handle it. I think that’s why God gives us time and limits our ability to see into the future. If we saw all of the obstacles that are in front of us, it would paralyze us with fear. We might think we couldn’t go on. It would be too much. But we can make it up one switchback at a time. We can make it around the next corner to go up the next hill.

I’m learning to live each day and be thankful for the journey. Knowing that I just need to get through one obstacle at a time makes life more enjoyable and less stressful. Besides, isn’t it great to be able to look back and see all you’ve accomplished instead of looking forward to something you know nothing about? So what are you thankful for today? What insurmountable obstacle are you going through that you think you can’t get through?